THREE BOYS WITH LOVE FROM ABOVE

WOW...it's been a long time

2011-11-30T21:09:00.004-06:00

It has been a very long while since I last posted and my, how things have changed. Where to start???...

Kaden is now 7 years old and in second grade. He is doing great in school. We actually just came back from an almost 2 week stay at the children's hospital. Kaden had to have surgery to repair his diaphragm, yet again, for the sixth time. He is off of his vent during the day and we are working towards being off of it at night as well. Future plans include to be completely off of the vent and working towards getting rid of the trach!!! Right now though he has shown us that he still needs the vent when he is sick, so until he can go without the vent during those times he will have to keep the trach. I know though that he can do this. He is a very strong boy and has overcome so many other things doctors didn't think was possible.

Brody is 2, going on 16. He is such a parrot making it very important to watch what we say around him. He is super smart, just like his brother. We are definitely going through the 2 stage!!! ATTITUDE and DRAMA!!! He has the typical "only I can pick on my big brother" behavior. He watches out for Kaden and helps him when he needs it, but when we are at home there is an almost constant battle, lol. Brody is a picky eater, like his mommy. He is also a BIG BROTHER now, a role he is doing amazing in at this point! Brody is still my cuddle buddy, I'm hoping he never out grows that!!!

And for our new addition, Bentley Kole. He was born Oct. 14th. He weighed 9 lbs. 6 oz and was 20 1/2 inches long. Although at his 4 week check up he was already at 22 1/4 in long. So I'm thinking that they got the measurements wrong at birth. He is such a good baby. He too, loves to cuddle and may be a little spoiled.

Nate and I are doing good as well. Taking what life has given us and rolling with it. Our lives are truly blessed with the 4 most beauitful children. We try to enjoy each day and every moment given to us.

And now for some pictures...

Quick Update and Photos!!!!

2010-08-29T13:51:00.005-05:00

Just a couple of photos of the boys...

I realized I haven't posted in what seems like forever, but time just goes by so fast and life has been staying pretty busy. Kaden's 6th birthday has come and gone. He is growing so fast. He started 1st grade a couple of weeks ago and seems to be enjoying it much better then he did kindergarten. He continues to grow stronger everyday and amaze me to no end. He such a bright boy with a bright future.

Brody is now 18 months. He is a very loving little guy with a big additude. He loves to dance and steal toys from others :). He knows all of his colors and says many, many words. He is a smart little thing just like his big brother!!!

We have very busy but fun days. The boys are so much fun and I feel so lucky to have them in my life. What awesome little blessings.

Remembering Ava Rae

2010-05-06T13:11:00.004-05:00

January 31, 2008 - May 7, 2008

Angel Ava,

Tomorrow will be two years since I last held and kissed you. I know that you are in a better place and free from pain, but I continue to miss you every day and selfishly wish you were still here with mommy, daddy and your brothers. We are blessed with the three months that we did get to hold you and continue to be blessed with the memory of you and the love that fills our hearts for you.

You have been not only a blessing to us but the many others who know your story. We have been able to see true courage and strength with your fight. You were one amazing little girl while you were here on earth, I can only imagine what you are like in Heaven.

You are in our thoughts continously and will be forever. We love you and miss you every day. We are so proud of you and thankful that God blessed us with the chance to be your parents (and brothers). Kaden still talks about you and tells us the things he thinks you would like if you were still here. Brody is learning to say your name (he does pretty good actually) and is always looking at the picture of you in mommy's locket. You are still a part of our family, even though you are not here. We love you baby girl and miss you more then words can say.

Forever and Always,
mommy, daddy, Kaden (bubby) and Brody

DIAPHRAGMATIC AWARENESS DAY

2010-03-29T13:51:00.002-05:00

Hi Everybody!!! Please wear your turquoise on Wednesday, March 31st for Kaden and all of the other diaphragmatic hernia fighters!!! Thank you in advance for all of your support and for thinking of them!!!

Dear Blogging Friends,

2010-03-06T19:40:00.005-06:00

I just wanted to take this time to thank all of you for your support through the last couple of years. I know that I haven't posted in a long while and that when I do they are few and far between. Life has just been pretty busy, and I have kind of lost "interest" (for lack of a better word) in keeping up the blog. In the midst of not keeping up with it I have failed to keep up with all of yours as well. I do want you all to know that I still think of you and keep you all in my prayers. I have found some very close "blogging world" friends that have touched my heart. I thank you for those special relationships that have formed. I do plan to continue my blog, I just have to find the time and "ability" to write, I guess.

As for a quick update...Brody turned one about a month ago. He is walking very well, and running and getting into everything. He for the most part is a happy guy. I have a feeling once those teeth come all the way in he will stop some of the whining. Kaden is almost done with kindergarten. He has missed a lot of school due to being sick. It is in the back of my mind that he might need to retake it...but I haven't talked to anyone about that yet. We will see. He is growing like a weed and coming up with the funniest things to "say" (type). The other day he had to change his card to yellow at school for not following directions. When I asked him why he had to change his card he typed "because yellow is my favorite color." It was hard not to laugh. Well, that is just a quick update and I will try to post pictures again.

Waiting for Santa to come!

Brody's 1st Birthday.

Happy 2nd Birthday Baby Girl

2010-02-02T20:20:00.002-06:00

I wrote this note to Ava and didn't get a chance to post it on her birthday.

Happy Birthday Angel 1/31/08-5/7/08

Ava,

Happy 2nd Birthday baby girl. Sorry mommy didn’t get a chance to write yesterday, it was kind of a busy day. I hope you enjoyed all of the balloons you got. It was amazing to watch them float right up to you. I have never seen balloons get so high before…it was almost like you were so excited to receive them they couldn’t get there fast enough.

I can not believe you are two already. As I have said before, I can not believe how time goes by so fast but it seems like forever ago that I got to hold you. We miss you so much. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about just how much I miss you. Yesterday, daddy and I were talking about you. This time it was a little different. Typically we try to keep things upbeat for your brothers, especially Kaden since he seems to understand what has happened. But yesterday was different…it wasn’t a bad talk, just different. We talked about what we thought you would look like right now and how we thought your personality would be. We talked about how there would be one more carseat in our car. How you and and your brothers probably would drive each other nuts on long trips (short trips too!!!). We talked about how spoiled you would be (and rightfully so J ), and just how much we missed you. Your daddy doesn’t say too much about stuff, but during this talk (although he did a lot of agreeing and did not have a lot to say) I could tell how much he misses you. His baby girl, his daddy’s little girl, the princess who had him wrapped around his little finger isn’t physically here with him, with us. I worry about your daddy sometimes. He is a tough guy, but sometimes I think he hides his feelings to stay strong for the rest of us. I know how bad my heart aches thinking about all of the mommy/daughter things we could have done together, I can only imagine how bad daddy’s aches. He will never get to scare away any of the boys you would have brought home, or most likely followed you home (I am sure you would have had a ton of admirers). He will never get to walk his baby girl down the aisle or dance those many, many dances with you. He will never get invited to the tea parties you would have probably had or play barbies (which every daddy should have a chance to do with his little girl). I think about this stuff a lot, and I imagine how fun it would be to watch you do these things with daddy.

We feel so blessed to have the opportunity we had with you. The short time you were here with us, you left an unbelievable impact on our lives. You are one of the three most amazing people I know. You were such a good baby, a strong and brave baby. I don’t know how you and your brother did it…went through everything and still kept a smile on those incredibly beautiful little faces of yours. Oh Ava, what I would give to have you back with us again (I know that is really selfish of me, to bring you back with all of the pain you had to go through from a place where you are pain-free now). I always wonder “what if”, there are so many things that I wish I could have changed to make your life a lot easier, but I know that God gave you to daddy and me for a reason. He knew that you would receive more love then you could have anywhere else, not only from daddy, Kaden and I but from the rest of our family. You are a very, very loved and admired little girl that will forever be in our hearts. We love and miss you more then words could ever describe. Happy Birthday baby girl.

Love Always and Forever,
mommy (daddy, bubby and baby Brody)

Merry Christmas!!!

2009-12-25T15:14:00.004-06:00

Our family would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas! I know that I have not posted in awhile and I have been really bad with pictures, but in all honesty it is hard for me to find the time and at this point we do not Internet service at the house (so it is finding the time while at my parents or grandma's house :) ).

Things have been really good. We are enjoying the house and the boys getting older. Kaden is liking school a little better, getting so much better with writing his name!!! He is growing like a weed and every day getting smarter and smarter. The other day we were playing "Who am I?" His clues were "I like hunting and I don't listen." That's right...daddy!!!! It was hilarious. Then my dad and him play a game were Kaden kisses grandma and grandpa pretends like he is upset and says "boy, you better not be kissing my woman." Kaden loves that game. So anyway, Kaden types to me "mommy you daddy's woman." What a silly little man!!!!

Brody is also getting unbelievably big. He is eating table foods, standing on his own and taking some steps before lunging for an enjoyable thrill (I guess). The most he has taken is 7 steps. He can be kind of a bully but loves his brother to no end. He is into everything...I think his favorite is the toilet so we are trying to teach Kaden to keep his bathroom door closed. We are battling ear infection after ear infection with Mr. Brody so Wednesday he goes to see the ENT doc.

So since I am behind on pictures I have decided to post a billion of them :)!!!! Ok, I lied. I will try again soon. For some reason I couldn't get them to post, but I will try tonight!!!

"Good News"

2009-11-19T22:55:00.002-06:00

Well, the CT scan came back earlier today. Initially we were told by the doc that it looked as though Kaden's diaphragm had reherniated. My heart just sank. That was the last thing I wanted to happen, another surgery for our big guy. I really don't want him to be put in that situation, especially with how far he has come. Surgery just seems to make him take a BIG step back. Well, then the surgeon resident looked at the CT results and said that he believes that the patch is still intact but that it seems like he has a small bowel obstruction that is actually pushing up against that patch, probably causing his difficulty in breathing. He did come off the vent today and stayed off the majority of the day and is off of O2 although his sats are not as great as they can be.

So the plan is for us to hang out at the hospital, hoping that this obstruction corrects itself. If it can not or gets worse he still will have to have surgery for them to correct it. He has gone through this before and things did correct themselves after a few days. He is not getting food, so he is getting fluids through an IV (that is one of the reason for staying in the hospital). We pray that things will correct themselves, that he will not need surgery, that he stays comfortable and that we are home in time to spend Thanksgiving with our family.

We all are missing our Brody. This is the first time I have been away from him other then being at work and honestly he goes to the same daycare that I teach at. Luckily, my parents are bringing him down this weekend and the hospital just lifted a "no sibling" policy (due to the large amount of H1N1 flu patients) so Kaden can see his "buba". He really misses him and has been talking about him a lot since we have been here. We can not wait to see him and give him hugs and kisses.

Thank you for all of the prayers and please keep them going for Kaden.

Day Two

2009-11-19T11:12:00.002-06:00

Kaden slept VERY well last night. I was surprised. He is a little quiet but seems to have a little more energy. Right now daddy went down with him to get the CT scan done. Hopefully after that we will know a little more to what is going on.

I got more sleep then I anticipated but had a pretty tough night last night. I think because it was quiet and such that I had to much time to let my mind start wandering. Being here sure has brought back a lot of memories.

Well, I will type more later. Kaden is back!!!

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

2009-11-18T21:27:00.002-06:00

Last night was a long night. We took Kaden to the ER and did not get home until 12:30-1:00am. He has been battling brochitis/pneumonia (can not honestly tell you which one it is, I have heard both from the same doctor) for the last two weeks. Well, this week he just seemed to be getting worse...especially yesterday. He is now back on the vent 24 hours a day and has been requiring O2. He is really run down and just not himself. Yesterday I noticed that his belly was distended and he was even more run down then he has been. I then called his doctor in KC and asked her if it was possible that his diaphragm reherniated. She said that it is always a possiblity and wanted us to take him to our hometown ER to get a chest x-ray and some lab work done. The ER doctor believed that it looked as though it did reherniate and so we made plans to come to KC today. The doctors here are not sure if this is the case or if something is going on with his GI track so he is admitted into the hospital. He is not a happy camper and is ready to go home already. Tomorrow they plan on doing a CAT scan to see if they can see things clearer. I really pray that it is not his diaphragm and that we can stay clear from surgery. I will update more tomorrow...I am running on about 3-4 hours of sleep and can not think clearly.

Time Flies...

2009-11-05T12:38:00.003-06:00

Things have been going by fast lately. Sorry I have not updated recently. We finally got into our new house around the begining of last month. Nate and I also celebrated our 3rd anniversary. Halloween went well, until Nate dropped Kaden on his head. We were out trick-or-treating and Kaden was dressed up as batman. Nate was carrying him around on his back and when they would get to a house he would swing him off of his back to make it look like he was flying. Well, Kaden didn't hold on or something and instead of flying he landed hard on his head. He was done after that and got a big bloody bump from it all (thanks a lot dad!!). Brody on the other hand didn't enjoy it much at all, he was just ready for a nap.

Kaden does not seem to be enjoying school too much. He has been crying a lot lately. I think it has been a big adjustment for him. Yesterday he was diagnosed with bronchitis again, so we are trying to get him feeling better.

Brody is crawling and getting into everything. He can say "mama" "bubba" and "bye-bye" (at least I like to think that is what he is saying). He is cutting his third and fourth tooth, so that is a lot of fun!

Nate...well, it is hunting season so he is out to find that trophy deer that he seems to miss every year!!!

As for me, well, I am here. I am very tired and feel like there is just not enough time in the day for everything. I really could use one full days worth of uninterrupted sleep (ahhh, a girl can dream, right?).

Well that is a quick update on what has been going on. I do want to post pictures and I really will try this weekend. We do not have internet set up at our house yet, so I will try to keep things updated when I find that extra time!!! Hope everyone is doing well!!!

The News...

2009-09-29T12:41:00.003-05:00

I have to make this quick, but I am very excited to share it with everyone!!! Yesterday, Kaden had an appt in KC. They put a little camera down his trach and his nose while he was awake to look at his vocal chords and other things. Everything looked GREAT!!! His vocal chords are not paralyzed!!! That means there is hope that he will be able to get rid of the trach and that is exactly what we are working towards. They seemed very thrilled that Kaden is staying off of the vent for as long as he is (approx. 12 hours during the day) so now we are working on taking him off at night. I was going to start last night, but time went a lot faster then the rest of me, I felt like I had way too much to do. So, tonight we will start. We are just going to start with the hours I am awake and see how he does and then as time goes on we will work up to more hours at night. So once he can show us that he no longer needs the vent, we will then start working on getting rid of the trach!

More big news...Kaden got a paci-meir (don't know how to spell) valve. This goes on his trach when he is off the vent. He can use his voice loud and clear. So yesterday we heard Kaden's true laugh. It is a beautiful laugh and every time I hear it I can't stop laughing. Last night, I heard my two boys laughing while playing with each other...big, happy laughs!!!! One of the greatest sounds I have ever heard. I can't wait to post a video of them laughing together!!!

Stay Tuned...

2009-09-28T22:59:00.002-05:00

For some great news!!! I have a wonderful post to share, unfortunately I am worn out and it is late. I am super excited though and for some reason felt the need to leave some people wondering :). I hope to post tomorrow around lunch time!!!!

How could we stay mad???

2009-09-23T12:36:00.002-05:00

Yesterday Kaden had to change his card at school to orange. They have this system involving green, yellow, orange and red cards per student. They start out the morning and afternoon on green. The students have to change their cards, almost as warnings if they are not doing what they are suppose to do. Yellow is more of the warning, orange-miss a recess, red-principals office. Kaden has had to change his card once to yellow for basically telling the teachers no. Yesterday he came home with a green in the morning but an orange in the afternoon. Apparently he was "refusing" to work for the occupational therapist. I guess Nate left it to me to be the bad guy, telling Kaden he was going to be in trouble when mommy gets home (thanks).

He got his computer time taken away as well as his cartoons for the night (Nate thinks computer time should be taken away for the rest of the week, I think that is a little too harsh for a Kindergartener). As we were talking about it Kaden got out "white" (communication device) and typed the following:

"grandma wants to say roar Kaden no color yellow she going to be so mad grandpa wants to say growl kaden we not color orange not funny again nana wants to say no babies (a game they play) brody wants to say waa waa waa waa"

I thought it was so funny (especially since those three, are some of the most leneant people in his life). Nate and I couldn't help but laugh. I think Kaden had it planned out...how do I remind mommy and daddy of how stinken cute I am, I know...

What a clever little guy on my hands. Oh what is Brody going to learn????

Overdue...

2009-09-13T22:23:00.006-05:00

First of all, I want to apologize for not even posting some comments. I didn't do it on purpose. Typically, I read them in my e-mail account and publish them from there, I don't know what happened but when I logged in tonight to post, I noticed I had 6 unpublished comments. Sorry, I wasn't ignoring any of you.

Kaden continues to do well off the vent. He spends most of his time during the day off and I put him back on before bedtime. I would say he spends about a total of 2 hours on the vent during the day, the rest of the time he is vent free! Of course some days he is on longer but that is not often. He is enjoying kindergarten and is learning so much. Today he counted up to 100 for me by typing out the numbers on "white". He only needed help with the number 30. I am so proud of him...so not only was he able to count that high but he was able to recognize the numbers as well. As always it amazes me at how much is going on in that little mind of his.

Brody still only has two teeth. He is getting over an ear infection. He is starting to crawl more although he still prefers the army crawl. He has finally figured out how to sit up on his own. I can't believe he is already 7 months!!! Time sure does fly.

The house should be ready to move in within the next week or two. We'll see, I think I remember saying times frames earlier and yet we aren't in yet. It is really close though and I am super excited!

Ok, now for some pictures. Since I can't see my pictures when I post them I will just explain to you now what is being posted. Some are pictures of Kaden's 5th Birthday at Chuck-E Cheese and his first day of kindergarten. There are some of Brody that go back to almost a month ago. So here they are...

I forgot to rotate some of the pictures...sorry.

Quick Update...

2009-08-20T22:10:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow will be the finish of the first week of Kindergarten for Kaden. He is doing well and says he likes it. He must, the only way I can get him up for school is to ask him if he is ready to go to school. Yesterday he was off the vent for 10 hours STRAIGHT!!! He is doing great. Today was another 8 hours with about a 45 min break back on the vent. What a big boy. We might get rid of the vent yet!!! I am so proud of him...I know I say that a lot, but I am. His walking is getting so much better too!!! Quick story about our conversation tonight...
We were reading our bedtime stories, one being The True Story of the Three Little Pigs (given to him by one of his nurses). He kept pointing to the house made of sticks and I could not guess what he was trying to tell me, so we grabbed White (his communication device, yes, Kaden named him and yes, he gave it a gender :) ). He then types out "Daddy did not put sticks in Kaden's new house" "Yes baby, your right daddy did not build the new house with sticks." "bad." "yes that would be bad!!!" I couldn't help but laugh.

As for Brody...he is growing so fast. He has been trying to crawl. He gets up on his hands and knees and then lunges forward. He does make his way around by doing the infamous army crawl. He is getting his two bottom teeth, both at the same time. They do not seem to be bothering him too much just the typical chewing on everything and drooling everywhere. He is such a happy baby. He has learned how to do the "indian chant". Sorry if that sounds horrible, I don't know any other way to describe it. He is loving baby food...any and all of it so far. He loves his big brother Kaden and loves to grab any vent tubings or cords plugging in Kaden's supplies. Kaden is such a little man grabbing them out from Brody's grip and giving him a toy instead.

The house is coming along and we are hoping to be able to move in the first week of Sept. I am not getting my hopes up though, Nate keeps changing the date. It looks great. They did such a wonderful job. I am so excited and can not wait to move everything in. Kaden loves his new room. We often go there and Kaden hangs out in his room playing with the toys we did move over there.

Well, I think that is all for tonight. One day soon I promise to get pictures posted. It is just hard for me to find the time to be on the computer long enough to post. Hope to do it sooner then later.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KADEN!!!

2009-08-14T19:31:00.002-05:00

5 already???!!! Kaden turned five today. He is growing so fast. Monday he will be starting kindergarten. It makes me so sad, but so proud and happy for him at the same time. It still amazes me when I see him accomplish something new (maybe that is just a mom thing and it will continue to be that way when he is 50???).

Kaden,
I know we have said it before and I know we will continue to say it, however, I will say it once again...we are so proud of you. You are nothing short of amazing, not only with how brillant you are but how caring, loving and kind you are as well. Every day of your life I have felt blessed to be your mommy. You have touched more lives then you realzie in your incredible 5 years of life. Now is the next step...KINDERGARTEN!!! I know you will do great!!! I am excited for you to learn new things and make new friends. I can not wait to see what you show us next. You are our miracle baby or should I say BIG BOY!!! We love you bubby, forever and always!!!

Love,
mommy, daddy, Brody and angel Ava

Sorry...

2009-07-10T21:54:00.002-05:00

I just want to apologize for the lack of posts as well as pictures that I promised (only too long ago). I just haven't been in the mood, I know, not a good excuse. I have some things I need to work out with myself I think...maybe that will put me in a better mood, you know get my head straightened out a bit. I kind of feel like I am lost (I don't want that to sound weird, I just haven't felt that great lately...I think I am overly exhausted).

The boys are doing GREAT!!!, growing way to fast for my liking. Kaden will be in Kindergarten next month, which makes me almost sick to my stomach knowing that he is growing up. Our house should be ready for us to move in within a few weeks...which I am so ready for the extra space...maybe that will help my head as well. Well, that is about it for now. I do promise to post more about us as well as some much needed cuteness (aka picutres of the boys) sometime soon. Take care.

Stay Strong Tucker

2009-06-25T22:36:00.002-05:00

Please pray for Tucker. He was born with a hypoplastic left heart (like our Ava). His mother had found out about a heart surgeon in Boston that reconstructs the heart to make it whole again. Well, he just had surgery to get his whole heart today and is doing very well. Please keep him and his family in your prayers as he still has to recover.

Tucker,
Stay strong big boy. You are in our thoughts and prayers. XOXOXOXOXO

About us:
I will post more later. I am tired (still) and need to get to bed. Things are going well though. Brody is now on baby foods and has been for almost two weeks now (2 weeks this Sunday). He LOVES them.

Kaden is, as always, simply amazing. He continues to grow and learn new things. Potty training is going great with a day or two of set backs, but back to wanting to use the potty (nothing a little money couldn't handle ;) ). He is tolerating coming off of the vent very well and my plan is to push him as much as possible this summer.

I took the boys swimming last weekend at my parents. They both loved it. Kaden has been before but never really wanted to stay in longer then 15 minutes. This time he stayed in for at least two hours (while off of his vent). He wanted to go under water like his cousin:(. I told him once we get rid of the trach he can go under all he wants. My mom and I were trying to come up with some ideas on how trach kids could go swimming more safely and go under water...still thinking, then we would need to send it to someone powerful like Oprah :) to get it made. Oh, one can dream, right???

Anyway, more later. I am off to bed. Yawn....

Oodles of info...

2009-06-13T00:01:00.003-05:00

Ok, I know, that title is kind of corny...but it is the first thing that popped into my head. So anyway, things have been kind of busy (like always). I really wanted to post pictures last weekend, especially since I do not seem to find time during the weeks to do so. However, I was sick on Sunday and couldn't stop vomiting enough to post. I will definitely try again this weekend.

Things are going well. The boys and I had appts. on Thursday. Brody has his four month check up. He is now 19.5 lbs and 29 3/4 in. long (98% for weight, 99% for height). He is in 18 months clothing (some 12 mos). He continues to roll on his belly...ALL OF THE TIME and seems to enjoy it better. He babbles all of the time and laughs at us constantly. Brody has learned to spit bubbles. In my toddler class that IS NOT allowed, but with him it is too cute so I have to admit, I kind of encourage it ;). He is absolutely fascinated with his bubby, Kaden. It is too sweet.

Kaden also had an appt. We headed to KC for his. We just had occupational therapy, which we just started last month to work on oral stimulation (trying to get him eating by mouth). He did awesome. I was so proud of him. Of course it took a little bribing (stickers are such a blessing), but hey, it got him focused and ready to work. He is such a big boy. Potty training is going GREAT. He still has his accidents, about once a day...but we actually have been able to get him to tell us that he needs to go while we are out too (which has been hard to do). After his appt we went to Nebraska Furniture Mart. On our way there Kaden told us he needed to use the potty and held it until we got there and made it to the potty. Another proud mommy moment (something only a mommy can appreciate I guess). He is doing unbelievable with spelling. I honestly can say that he can spell more words then not (within his vocabulary, if that makes any sense). He, again, continues to amaze me.

My appt. was due to the fact that I just have not been feeling myself. They took blood to test a number of things. Everything came back within normal limits. They did say that I am anemic, so I have to start taking vitamins again (I am horrible at taking pills and couldn't wait to stop taking pre-natal vitamins, but now I am back on them). I am to go back to see the Dr. if I continue to be nauseous, tired and have a new found pain in my upper abdomen area (which I didn't know existed until the Dr. was pushing around on me...wow it hurt!). No...I am not pregnant...had that thought myself...but 4 home test and one blood test has confirmed it. Well enough about me.

Today after I got off of work my boys (including Nate) and I went to the zoo. We went to something called "Dream Night". It is an evening set up for "special needs" children and their families. It is a free evening of fun. Kaden had a lot of fun. He had his heart set on seeing the monkeys, however the only thing we could find were the orangutans and they were sleeping. He also talks about "big cats" all of the time and said he wanted to see the lions. We found the lions and he decided that they were scary and didn't want to stay in that area very long. He is funny. I forgot my camera but they did give out disposable cameras. Kaden also got a t-shirt and a stuffed animal (a big, SOFT stuffed panda bear). They provided dinner and musicians. Kaden wasn't too into dancing tonight for some reason. When we got back on the road, Kaden said he had fun and signed "more." I think he was already ready to go back. I asked him if we could go again another day and he was definitely into that.

So anyway, that is what we have been up to besides Nate working on the house which seems to be getting closer and closer for move in time. Can't wait!!!

Oh and Jenny, from Zach's Gang...sorry I just found your comment from the end of May (long story). Thank you so much for the award. I haven't had a chance to see which one, but thanks a lot for thinking about us!!!

Sorry that this is everywhere and unfortunately I am not going to proof read so it could be even worse. I hope you got through it without too much confusion!!!

Kaden

2009-05-28T23:09:00.002-05:00

Today was Kaden's last day of pre-k. It totally hit me tonight, that he is going to be in Kindergarten in a couple of months...definitely brought a tear to my eye. I can't believe how far he has come, how much he has overcome and how much he has proved doctors wrong. I told him tonight that I think he is absolutely amazing and he just looked at me with an "come on mom" look and nodded his head yes (whatever you say mom!).

So, I just wanted to share what he typed out today:
"new school call kindergarten write you numbers letters look at books play with toys cut paper home for ovilla (meant to be Oliva [cartoon]) is a pig ovilla dress up on ha your bus to animal prade (parade) four sleeps"

I'm not too sure what the "four sleeps" is for, unless he thinks he will be starting Kindergarten in "four sleeps".

I think he seems pretty excited to start his new "big boy" school. I on the other hand can wait :).

Oh and boy do I have some pictures of one cool man. Today, Kaden rode on grandpa's motorcycle down the alley and back (twice, he wanted more). He was disappointed however, because he wanted to ride to his friends house. I told him he will have to wait until he is at grandpa's (grandpa only lives a block from his friend's house).

By Golly, He's Got It

2009-05-27T23:28:00.003-05:00

Today Brody has seemed to figure out how to get back onto his back. The first go around was an accident, but the two other times I think it was a real thought out plan he had :). He hasn't seemed to pick it up as fast as he did the rolling onto his tummy, but he'll get it. He is also liking his belly a lot more. Oh and boy does he like putting things in his mouth...toys, blankies, my shoulder...you name it.

Tomorrow is Kaden's last day of pre-k. I can not believe that in a few months he will be in Kindergarten. My baby boy is growing up. I am is such awe over him. He is simply amazing.

So today I read another word he typed out that I didn't know he knew how to spell. He typed out "all done watching the show". I had no idea he knew how to spell watching...he is pretty good about making things plural, or adding "ing". Again, simply amazing.

One last thing...Monday I decided to let Brody taste baby food. He did pretty good, although I know he is still pretty young. We tried the sweet potatoes. He knew to open his mouth when he saw the spoon heading for it, and he moved it around in his mouth pretty good. I just didn't want to give him too much at this time. We will wait a little longer...he just seems so interested when we are eating "real" food around him, I had to try.

Well, it is almost the weekend and I can't wait. Hope everyone has a great rest of the week.

Rolling, Rolling, Rolling

2009-05-24T00:16:00.002-05:00

As of Friday night, Brody has learned how to roll onto his belly. Does he like it there, well...no, not really. He doesn't mind tummy time as long as we keep it short and sweet. Now that he has figured out how to roll onto his belly, he does it constantly. Once he gets there, he starts grunting and then screaming. He has figured out how to roll back onto his back. Needless to say, we are continously having to stop what we are doing to help him back onto his back. It is kind of funny!!! Pretty soon he will be rolling all over the place.

Kaden is a SUPER big brother. He continues to be very helpful, giving Brody his toys and wanting to help with diaper changes (I wonder how long that will last). The other day he was telling Brody and I all about Nemo on his communication device. Here is his conversation...

Nemo lives in the cool water sharks haves big teeth sharks haves no hair sharks scary hey brody you can play no no no no big boys

So he had given Brody the Nemo movie when he told him he could play then he took it away after typing no and started laughing. I thought it was funny that he is already teasing him, it probably won't be as funny later on down the road. He is so into the "big boy, little boy" stuff. According to Kaden "big books" are for big boys and "little books" are for little boys. He likes to seperate what he considers baby toys from big boy toys. He is too cute. And wow, he likes to tell us everything he can think up on his communication device. It is so nice to have and for him to be able to put into words his thoughts. He is absolutely amazing with all that he can spell. I have never met any other 4 year old or heard of one for that matter with that great of spelling. I am going to have to video tape him some day so I can look back on it in the future, just to remind myself of just how smart he was at this age...to show him as well.

One more quick story. Today I asked Kaden if he wanted to hold Brody. He reached up to help me put Brody on his lap. Well, Brody has been into "gnawing" on things and what better place then Kaden's arm. Kaden didn't think it was the best place and was quick to give him back. My mom reminded me that it won't be that cute once he gets teeth...ouch!!! Well, I better get going. Tomorrow Kaden has a friend from school coming over to play...it should be a great day for Kaden, this is the first. He absolutely adores this little boy. He talks about him all of the time. I guess the two of them hug all of the time at school. His teacher told me the other day that Kaden's friend had said to Kaden "you can hug me anytime you want." I thought it was super sweet. I have heard nothing but great things about this kiddo and how he treats Kaden. I am excited to see how tomorrow goes.

And Now, For Your Viewing Pleasure...

2009-05-17T21:20:00.008-05:00

I finally made myself sit down and download these pictures. Ok, so I downloaded them while I was doing other things, but anyhow they are downloaded and ready to be posted!!! So here goes...there are a ton of them.

Kaden's first day riding the bus to school. As you can see he is very thrilled ;).

As you can see there are some going way back to Easter...hey what can I say I am a "busy" mommy. There are also some from a trip we made to Hannibal, MO for a Boeckman reunion. I love the one with Kaden on the potty outside...it was hilarious, but when you got to go, you got to go. Kaden is doing very well now on the potty. He has an accident about once a day, not too shabby. Yesterday he finally stood while peeing (twice).

The picture of Kaden with green all over his mouth was of him licking an mm, his favorite candy (he doesn't eat them, just licks them). Then the picture of him in the hats are of him waiting for the ferry boat ride. The one with him and Nate are in the ferry, it was raining so we stayed inside of the boat. The one of Nate (Mr. Stud :)) and then of Kaden with his hood on are when we went to the caves...one of my favorite things we did on the mini-vacation. Our stroller was a little too big for some areas and there was one point where Nate and his dad had to lift the stroller up over their heads to get it through the cave...I was laughing my butt off. The first couple of pictures are the most recent, just took them a day or two ago. As you can see Brody is growing like a weed. He just turned 3 months and is in 12 months clothing. He is a very happy baby. Kaden is adjusting well to him and is mommy's big helper. He helped me change a diaper a couple of days ago...luckily for both of us it was just a wet one.

Things are going well here. But I better log off so I can finish getting things together. Hope you enjoyed the pictures.

Always Rushed...

2009-05-13T22:18:00.002-05:00

I feel like the start from the start of my day to the end of my day I am RUSHED. I can not stand that feeling and because of it I think I am loosing my mind...seriously. I forget EVERYTHING, no kidding, EVERYTHING. Well, ok, I remember my name and the name of those I love :).

So, yesterday I went to Kaden's IEP meeting...for next year, when he starts KINDERGARTEN. Oh my...my baby is going to be in Kindergarten. That brings tears to my eyes just typing it. So, back to being rushed. I was not satisfied with the meeting. Not that it was a horrible meeting, but that it was during my lunch hour and I feel like we really didn't accomplish much. I mean, it is going to be a new school, with new staff including nursing (our nurse, who has been with Kaden for about 2 1/2 years will be having a baby right before Kaden goes to school...great for her, sad for us). I really wanted to go over more, A LOT more. I am hoping to meet again before school starts, maybe even with Kaden to give him a chance to meet them and them to meet him (more then just a "hi"). Anyway, I am going to stop here, I am watching a show on autism and it is really interesting. I really do want to post pictures, hopefully this weekend.

Another Angel

2009-05-12T22:06:00.003-05:00

June 23, 2008 - May 11, 2009
My heart breaks. Tonight I read that Kayleigh passed away last night in her parents' arms. Heaven has received another beautiful angel. Please pray for her family. She spent her 11 months of life in the hospital. Stop by her blog and leave her family a message. Believe it or not, it really brought some comfort to Nate and I when we could log on and read all of the thoughtful messages you all left when Ava passed away. You can find her button under my friends list.

My dad's cousin has passed away. Again, please send prayers of comfort and healing.

Thank you.

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T22:50:00.002-05:00

I hope all you mommies had a wonderful Mother's Day. I saw this on a blog I read tonight and wanted to share it with all of you.

Thoughts of a Mom

By Maureen K. Higgins

Many of you I have never even met face to face, but I've searched you out every day. I've looked for you on the Internet, on playgrounds and in grocery stores. I've become an expert at identifying you. You are well-worn. You are stronger than you ever wanted to be. Your words ring experience, experience you culled with your very heart and soul. You are compassionate beyond the expectations of this world.

You are my "sisters." Yes, you and I, my friend, are sisters in a sorority. A very elite sorority. We are special. Just like any other sorority, we were chosen to be members. Some of us were invited to join immediately, some not for months or even years. Some of us even tried to refuse membership, but to no avail. We were initiated in neurologist's offices and NICU units, in obstetrician's offices, in emergency rooms, and during ultrasounds. We were initiated with somber telephone calls, consultations, evaluations, blood tests, x-rays, MRI films, and heart surgeries.

All of us have one thing in common. One day things were fine. We were pregnant, or we had just given birth, or we were nursing our newborn, or we were playing with our toddler. Yes, one minute everything was fine. Then, whether it happened in an instant, as it often does, or over the course of a few weeks or months, our entire lives changed. Something wasn't quite right. Then we found ourselves mothers of children with special needs.

We are united, we sisters, regardless of the diversity of our children's special needs. Some of our children undergo chemotherapy. Some need respirators and ventilators. Some are unable to talk, some are unable to walk. Some eat through feeding tubes. Some live in a different world. We do not discriminate against those mothers whose children's needs are not as "special" as our child's. We have mutual respect and empathy for all the women who walk in our shoes.

We are knowledgeable. We have educated ourselves with whatever materials we could find. We know "the" specialists in the field. We know "the" neurologists, "the" hospitals, "the" wonder drugs, "the" treatments. We know "the" tests that need to be done, we know "the" degenerative and progressive diseases and we hold our breath while our children are tested for them. Without formal education, we could become board certified in neurology, endocrinology, and psychiatry.

We have taken on our insurance companies and school boards to get what our children need to survive, and to flourish. We have prevailed upon the State to include augmentative communication devices in special education classes and mainstream schools for our children with cerebral palsy. We have labored to prove to insurance companies the medical necessity of gait trainers and other adaptive equipment for our children with spinal cord defects. We have sued municipalities to have our children properly classified so they could receive education and evaluation commensurate with their diagnosis.

We have learned to deal with the rest of the world, even if that means walking away from it. We have tolerated scorn in supermarkets during "tantrums" and gritted our teeth while discipline was advocated by the person behind us in line. We have tolerated inane suggestions and home remedies from well-meaning strangers.

We have our own personal copies of Emily Perl Kingsley's "A Trip To Holland" and Erma Bombeck's "The Special Mother." We keep them by our bedside and read and reread them during our toughest hours.

We have coped with holidays. We have found ways to get our physically handicapped children to the neighbors' front doors on Halloween, and we have found ways to help our deaf children form the words, "trick or treat." We have accepted that our children with sensory dysfunction will never wear velvet or lace on Christmas. We have painted a canvas of lights and a blazing Yule log with our words for our blind children. We have pureed turkey on Thanksgiving. We have bought white chocolate bunnies for Easter. And all the while, we have tried to create a festive atmosphere for the rest of our family.

We've gotten up every morning since our journey began wondering how we'd make it through another day, and gone to bed every evening not sure how we did it.

We've mourned the fact that we never got to relax and sip red wine in Italy. We've mourned the fact that our trip to Holland has required much more baggage than we ever imagined when we first visited the travel agent. And we've mourned because we left for the airport without most of the things we needed for the trip.

But we, sisters, we keep the faith always. We never stop believing. Our love for our special children and our belief in all that they will achieve in life knows no bounds. We dream of them scoring touchdowns and extra points and home runs. We visualize them running sprints and marathons. We dream of them planting vegetable seeds, riding horses, and chopping down trees. We hear their angelic voices singing Christmas carols. We see their palettes smeared with watercolors, and their fingers flying over ivory keys in a concert hall. We are amazed at the grace of their pirouettes. We never, never stop believing in all they will accomplish as they pass through this world.

But in the meantime, my sisters, the most important thing we do, is hold tight to their little hands as together, we special mothers and our special children, reach for the stars.

One Year...

2009-05-06T22:30:00.002-05:00

So one year has come and gone. This has been the fastest, yet the longest year of my life. So much has happened. First, we lost our baby girl (May 7, 2008). About a month later, I found out that I was pregnant. We had our baby boy, and now we are here again, with tomorrow marking the one year "anniversary" of loosing Ava Rae. I hate to call it anniversary. When I think of the word "anniversary", I think of a joyous occassion...like a wedding anniversary. I can tell you that May 7th was not a joyous occassion for me.

As I sit here typing this in tears, my heart is breaking. I know that I am blessed with my two boys, any mommy would be lucky to have the two of them. However, a piece of me is missing...my little girl. Ava would be a little over 15 months old today. I wonder what she would look like, what kind of personality she would have, what she would be getting into. I think about the future. I wonder how many boys daddy would have had to run off, what she would look like in a wedding gown, seeing her daddy walk her down the aisle, seeing her grow as a person.

I can not type much today, for many reasons. But as always, Ava baby, you are in my heart and on my mind. Our lives are forever changed because of you. You are a gift that was easily accepted from God, a gift that I would never return. I wish your time here with us was longer, a lot longer, but I am happy that I got the time that I did with you. I know that you watch over us, I feel it. My heart just aches for you, it always will I am sure. What I would give to hold you again, to hear you again, to kiss you again. You are my angel. My love for you goes deeper then words. Mommy, daddy, and bubby miss you. Brody is learning all about you already. He stares at your pictures on the wall all of the time. I think he too is in awe of your beauty. Again, we love you baby girl...forever and ever.

Love,
mommy

Shhh...it's a secret

2009-05-04T21:53:00.002-05:00

Saturday, Nate and I had a wedding to go to. My parents watched the boys and took them shopping (as they do the first weekend of every month to get new toys and books). We of course, came home late and the boys were already sleeping. So come Sunday, Kaden woke up and grabbed white. First thing he types "like to run Kaden's friends off vent." I helped him with his sentence, so he retypes it "I like to run with my friends when I am off my vent." He then continues by typing "lets go." I couldn't help but laugh. Shortly after he reminds me that he went shopping with grandpa and grandma the day before. He then types "Kaden got mommy disney card snow white mothers day." I laughed and reminded him that it is suppose to be a secret :). He is so funny.

So, as I mentioned before, it has almost been a year since we lost Ava. This Thursday will mark the year. As you all have probably heard over and over again, we miss her terribly. There is not a day that goes by that she is not thought of. There are no words to describe our feelings and the pain that we feel every day although it may not be mentioned. Well, a little while ago I was scheduling appts. for Kaden. I think with my lack of sleep at the time (having a newborn and just returning to work)I was not thinking clearly and scheduled several of his appts. for Thursday. When making it, I knew something was significant for this day, I just couldn't put my finger on it until I got them all scheduled. I am so upset with myself. It is already difficult to go to Children's Mercy. I am nervous and can already imagine how difficult it will be on Thursday. I could put the appts. off, but some of them Kaden really needs and I can not put his needs off because of mine. After a long day at CMH on Thursday, we will come home to go to Kindergarten round up for Kaden. It will be a busy day, but the whole time I will have little Miss Ava on my mind.

I know I need to post pictures, it just takes so much time and I don't have the time to give right now. I will try to do it this weekend.

Still here...

2009-04-28T21:42:00.003-05:00

Things have been busy around here. I guess that is what comes with having a baby. Blogging has taken a back seat, although I still try to come on and check out other blogs. I also can say I haven't been in the mood to blog. So here I am...prepared to catch you up with our lives.

My new job is going "well". I like it. Toddlers (2 yrs. old, at that), well, I have my moments. I never realized what it is like to be around a real "terrible two" child. OH MY!!! I am so blessed to have Kaden and it really worries me the possibilities of how Brody could turn out to be at this age :). Hopefully, I won't have to experience it with him. Well, and if we do then hopefully I won't have to get my hair colored more frequently then I do now (and no I don't have gray hair yet, at least I don't think I do).

Kaden is getting so big...as always. Potty training is going well. It has been on and off for the longest time and I think he has finally decided he is ready. When he gets home from school he starts wearing his big boy underwear until bedtime. On the weekends it's all day. He is doing well. This last weekend he had an accident once a day, not too shabby. I am so proud of him!!! He shows me more and more how much he knows and how much he wants to say with his "white". This last weekend I found out that Kaden's friend from school (one that he talks about all of the time and gave his phone number to so he could come over and play) lives a block from my parents house. I told him and he then typed "Seth lives by grandpa grandmas house." So later I asked him to tell grandma where his friend lives and he types "at home." DUH MOM!!! Yesterday he had a doctors appt in KC. After getting home we were going to go to my parents and he types "next stop grandpa and grandmas." What a little smarty!!! I also taught him "Daddy is a goober." Great fun.

As I said Kaden had a doctors appt in KC with Cardiology and PT. His heart looks great and the abnormality that they thought they had seen (his tricuspid valve being lower then it should be) they aren't quite sure if it really is there. PT was just to look at how he walked. His ankles roll in a little. There is not much to do about it right now. His legs are like twigs with little muscle right now and his feet are flat. She explained it is from him not baring weight on his feet for a long period of time due to his illness (which we already figured). Other then that all seems to be going well with Kaden besides a little cold or something we all seem to be going through.

Brody is growing. He is such a sweet, happy baby. He smiles all of the time and a couple times I have heard a true laugh. He too is going through some type of cold. His poor eyes (along with Kaden's ) are draining horrible crud. I really need to post pictures of him, but I am lazy enough as it is to blog, pictures is almost a chore right now for me.

It has been almost a year since Ava has passed away. I can't believe it has only been a year. It feels so long ago. I miss her every day, that hasn't changed. I look at her pictures and long to hold her. I try to remember how it felt holding her. Today an image popped in my head with me holding her on a pillow in the PICU (in the big room we were sharing with another baby). I remember sitting in the chair close to the window. I remember how things were set up and it was almost like my mind was taking me back to that time. I am sad. The crazy thing about it is that I am also happy, happy with the life that I am living (who knew you could live life feeling two total opposite feelings). I am happy that Kaden and Brody are in my life. Of course things would be better if Ava was with us, but who knows if it would have been better for her. I have to make myself believe that this was for the better (that sounds horrible). Maybe she was in greater pain then we knew, or maybe she would have endured more pain then I would have wanted to see her in...not that I would want her in any kind of pain. As I have said before, I thank Ava for not leaving her daddy and I with any kind of decision to make, as I don't think I would have been strong enough to let her go. I know that God was with her. I can not say that I do not think that she was scared, because I could see fear in her eyes...as anyone would have had with not being able to breath. I do not think she was scared or feeling pain for a long time, but she did feel it. I am sad and it makes me sick to my stomach thinking that those are the last feelings she might have felt. Did she feel me holding her? I feel horrible for crying during her last breaths. I can't not remembering telling her I love her before she passed. Was I too caught up in my own emotions and feelings? I CAN'T REMEMBER. Why is it I can remember the details of that day, except for this? I remember going to her bedside while they were performing chest compressions and not being able to breath myself so they had me sit. I remember the doctor putting her in my arms and the nurse bagging her for a small period of time. I remember holding her tight and crying. Did I tell her I love her? I'd like to think she knew I loved her. Her first smile was at me, and I got a lot of them. I know she recognized me. How I wish I could have made life better for her. How I wish that I would have known how things would turn out...I could change somethings. I would NEVER change that she was in our lives. I would change little things that happened, like me spending every minute with her, taking more pictures and definitely taking more video. The feeling of frustration with just everything is so overwhelming at times like now. However, I think I am going to end it here before I get too sick to my stomach. I could ramble on and on about my feelings, but luckily for you I will stop here.

OH RATS!!!

2009-04-13T21:34:00.003-05:00

Easter was good. Kaden wasn't into coloring the eggs, but he didn't mind hunting for them. He was really excited about the goodies he got in his Easter basket...one of the things being a collection of Max and Ruby dvd's from grandma and grandpa (one of his favorite cartoons). So on to the "Oh Rats"...either Max or Ruby said it (not sure which one, I missed that part) but Kaden typed it out on his "white." I explained to him that people say "oh rats" when they mess something up. Then daddy comes home and Kaden has to show him the new phrase he learned and typed it out again. Nate asked him if he knew what it meant and he typed "oh rats mess up." He then goes on to tip over his toy box and types "oh rats" again. I told him he can't do something on PURPOSE and say it. So he starts knocking the toys out of the box that didn't fall out, all the while repeating "oh rats, oh rats." I gave up and started laughing!!!

99.8%

2009-04-09T22:43:00.002-05:00

Today Brody had his 2 month check up. He weighs 15 lbs 7 oz and is 27 1/4 inch long. This puts him in the 99.8th percentile. So basically if you look at it, out of 1000 babies there are only 2 babies taller then him. He has gained 3 lbs and grew 2 inches since his 1 month check-up.

Brody is doing well. He is such a happy baby. He is smiling a lot now, and cooing like no other (he has so much to say). I think pretty soon we will be hearing him laugh.

Kaden is doing well too. He started riding the bus yesterday to school. I am not sure how much he likes it as he still request that I take him and pick him up. He does however, accept the fact that he is riding it and doesn't get upset about it. I can not believe how fast he is growing up. It makes me so proud but sad at the same time. He is so funny too. When we pray at night, Kaden will sign something that usually happens during the day to add to our prayers. Well the other night he signed something that I couldn't figure out (some of his signs look the same). He got frustrated and asked for "white" (his new talking device). I told him that God understands his signs and that I would get him white when we were done saying our prayers. We finished and I stayed true to my word. When he started to type what he had been signing it read "wash hands bathroom." Well, at the time "white" was not working properly and not reading the words aloud. As soon as I started to read "wash hands bathroom" back to him, he puts his hands together to "finish" praying. I thought it was the cutest thing and wish that it was something I could have caught on video. Again, this little guy never fails to amaze me. He has the greatest personality and I can see it coming through Brody as well. I am the luckiest mommy!!!

Here's the picture

2009-04-03T22:30:00.002-05:00

Here's the picture of Kaden and his "girlfriend".

Thanks Cristen!!!

Kaden's got a girlfriend...

2009-04-01T22:38:00.002-05:00

Kaden loves the idea of having girlfriends. When you ask him if he has a girlfriend he always says "yes." Sometime it is his nurse Cristen and other times it is girls from the early childhood class he use to be in. Well, today Cristen sent me a picture of Kaden via text and what can I say...Kaden is the man. The class was sitting in circle time and Mr. Kaden was sitting next to a girl in the class with his arm around her. It was way too cute, he is just way too cute. I wish I could download it but I don't know how to. So tonight when I put him to bed we were talking about him and this girl. I asked him if he put his arm around a girl today and he said yes and started laughing. I then started chanting "Kaden's got a girlfriend, Kaden's got a girlfriend." He thought that was hilarious. Then when we were praying, he signed "thank you for girl." I was trying not to laugh.

Kaden you are absolutely amazing. I know I have said it before, but you just amaze me each and every single day. I am totally in love with you and will be for the rest of my life. I thank God for giving you to me, as well as your sissy and bubby. You guys will always have my heart in your hands. I love you baby, forever and ever.

WEAR YOUR TURQUOISE

2009-03-30T23:08:00.002-05:00

Wear your turquoise tomorrow for Kaden as well as all of the others who have battled a congenital daphragmatic hernia.

Pictures and life...

2009-03-29T00:06:00.007-05:00

Kaden supervising the guys working on the house.

So yes, I have finally posted more pictures. I am getting horrible about it because I really need to copy my memory card on a CD (it's getting really full, which in turn takes forever to download on to the computer). Anyway, as you can see both of my boys are getting big. Kaden is getting better and better at being a big brother. Brody just loves Kaden. When he sees Kaden, he just stares at him, he is really fascinated with Kaden (who wouldn't be, he's the coolest kid EVER : )).

The house is coming along. It won't be long until we can move in. I am getting very excited. I just can not wait for them to get all of the sheet rock up so I can paint (probably about the only thing I can actually help with and not screw up!!!). I also accepted a new job this last week. I actually wasn't looking for one, but it came at good timing. I was just getting burnt out at my old job. I will be a toddler teacher at a daycare. I actually can bring Brody there, but as of this time he is on the waiting list. The only "problem" is the pay decrease. I am definitely going to have to learn to be a little more frugal.

This last week I spoke with the elementary school principal where Kaden will be attending. I am very excited about it and very optimistic. She seemed very accomodating and excited to have Kaden there (as we all know it shouldn't be any different!). Well, tonight the school had a carnival (inside of course) and we took Kaden. He had a good time, but seemed more interested in checking out the classrooms then playing the games. They had one room set up as a dance room. The high school's dance team was there teaching kids how to do the electric slide. At the time, Kaden was the only kid in there and he had about 5 high school girls to himself. They were really good with him and as you have probably seen in previous posts he loved the dancing. He may not of danced the electric slide, but he did show his moves...and man can he move :). We had a good time.

Well, that is about all that has been going on. I hope everyone who got snow (like us) is keeping safe.

Turn Your Volume Up...

2009-03-25T22:10:00.005-05:00

Today I heard a song that makes me think of Ava. My friend told me about this song but I had never heard it, well until today when it came on the radio on my way to pick up Kaden from school. It definitely got the tears going. I downloaded it onto the blog. Scroll down to the bottom of this page and you will see a purple box with different songs on it. Click on "Sissy's Song" by Alan Jackson (#9). Listening to this song makes me sad and happy at the same time. It is hard to explain, but my heart feels "warm" listening to it. It is like he is singing this song about Ava, as if he knew her. We miss you baby girl.

I started back to work yesterday. It was a long day. I could not wait to get home. At least the week seems to be going by pretty quickly. I was suppose to start Monday but we had to take Kaden to Children's Mercy. His mickey button (g-tube site) is horrible. He has group A strep, but the granuloma (spelling???) tissue is raw and bleeds all of the time. It will probably have to be surgically removed. Poor guy.

As of Brody, well he continues to grow...like a weed. My little 6 week old is in 6-9 month clothing. Today when I came home from work, I was just in awe looking at him laying on the couch. He is so long. He doesn't look like a 6 week old at all. Kaden is doing really well with him. He is pretty helpful, I think his favorite thing is to help mommy burp Brody but he also helps carry his carseat and feed him. He is in to giving him kisses, but most of the time it takes us to ask him to kiss Brody. So he does, without hesitation. What a great big brother Kaden makes : ).

Well, I hope you took time to listen to this song. I know when I hear it I will think of my Ava.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2009-03-17T23:59:00.002-05:00

Happy St. Patty's Day. We all were safe today and escaped any pinches by wearing our green. I actually put a new outfit on Brody, the size...6-12 months and it actually fit.

Well, today Kaden and I took a trip to the hospital to visit his pediatrican. I have noticed since Sunday that his g-tube site is looking really bad. It really hasn't looked great for a long time now, but lately it has been leaking and bleeding a lot. Then Sunday it looked a little swollen and then red. Last night he said it hurt and I asked him if he needs to go to the doctor. He said yes. For Kaden to say yes, it's got to hurt pretty bad (either that or he has realized that he gets stickers when he goes). The doctor thinks it might be some type of infection, but the culture takes about 48 hours for results so she has started him on antibiotics just in case.

It was a beautiful day today, over 80 degrees. When we got home I got his truck out and he drove it for a little while. I almost put the fear in him to the point that he was done at first. I didn't realize it was on the fast setting and he took off, forgetting from the last time he drove how to stop. He finally stopped and was very upset. After me talking him into continuing (it took me a while to get the darn thing out of the yard, and caused me to sweat, we were going to be out there more then two minutes darn it), he realized "oh yeah, it's not so bad" and wanted to drive to grandpa's. Instead we drove down the block and back and he was ready to go in.

I am amazed by Kaden every day. He is such a joy to be around and has the greatest personality. I know that Brody is intrigued by him. He sees Kaden and just stares and reaches out towards him at times. Kaden enjoys being a big brother (I think), well, most of the time. Last night he told me that he (Kaden) is happy and that Brody is sad because he cries (Brody was sleeping at the time). Then tonight while we were praying Kaden signed "thank you for my toys, thank you for baby's toys, thank you for mommy, thank you for daddy, thank you for grandma, thank you for grandpa, thank you for nana" then makes sure we mention Brody. It's very cute.

Not much else is really going on right now. I did take Brody to the doctor last week for his 4 week check up. He weighed 12 lbs 7 oz and is 25 1/4 inch long. He is such a sweet baby and does very well sleeping at night. We don't go to bed until after midnight most nights but he doesn't get up until around 5 am most mornings for his feeding. I know many think that they should eat every 3 hours and that I should be waking him up at night, but I agree with those who say "never wake a sleeping baby : )" besides I talked to his pediatrican about it and he says it's alright!

Missing My Angel...

2009-03-15T00:00:00.002-05:00

The title says it all. I miss Ava. I know it's expected, but some days are worse then others, or rather month. I think about Ava all of the time, but I go through these spurts of remembering the sad moments. Lately, I haven't been able to get the day that she passed away out of my head, I pretty much live it over and over again, step by step. It amazes me how I can remember EVERYTHING that happened that day, but I can not remember how Ava felt in my arms, I can not remember what she smelled like, I can not remember all of the good things. But the memories from May 7th felt like it was only yesterday, however it feels like she was here so long ago. That was the worst experience, and nobody should ever have to go through anything like it. I know that I should be happy that Ava is not experiencing pain, and I am, but I wish it were under other circumstances...for instance that she was healed here on earth. As you have read in our previous post, there is a surgeon in Boston that repairs these hypoplastic left hearts...he makes them whole again. It makes me sad and basically sick to my stomach wondering "what if?". What if we would have known about this? Could we have gone to Boston to get Ava's heart repaired? Would it have worked? Would Ava still be here with us?

I know things happen for a reason. Trust me, I KNOW, we have experienced it one too many times. Maybe it's on my mind because of all the deaths that have been happening around us. In one month, 3 people that I personally know, have passed away. My dad's cousin is laying in a hospital, in a coma fighting for his life.

Many people say that death is nothing to fear, but it is my biggest. I am in fear of dying too young...I am a mommy and I want to be here with my kids forever. I am scared of family members dying. I think of things that can go wrong all to often, I know...definitly not healthy. Is that normal??? I think I am going to end this post before I make myself have nightmares when I get to bed.

Sorry, this ended up way off of where I was going. I just started typing away.

Title Change...

2009-03-13T22:16:00.002-05:00

As you may have noticed, I have finally changed our title. I liked all of the suggestions, but this one definitely caught my eye. Thanks to you all for the help, I appreciate all the creativity.

A special thanks to Sam for the blankets. We LOVE them. Kaden cuddled with his tonight as he fell asleep...too cute.

Helping Tucker's Heart...

2009-03-09T23:20:00.002-05:00

Tucker was born in 2005 with Down Syndrome and a heart defect called Hypo-plastic left heart, the same heart defect that Ava was born with. He has undergone two out of the three heart surgeries required for this heart defect. However, even with all three surgeries, it is not a guarantee for a long life. His parents have found a surgeon in Boston that can repair his heart, giving him a whole heart and a very active, full life. This site has been put into play to help this family get to Boston, to offset cost for travel, room and food while they are there. The surgery is schedule for April 13, 2009. Please visit this site and see all the different raffles you can enter to win and help this family at the same time. Tucker is a beautiful little boy and you can read more about him and his family by clicking the button above but also visiting his mommy's blog site (you can find it on my side bar under The Bryant Family - Tucker. Thank you for helping this family.

Getting Older...

2009-03-07T23:07:00.004-06:00

Yesterday I talked to a friend from high school about our 10 year reunion. 10 YEARS!!! That is unbelievable to me and definitely puts it into perspective as to exactly how old I am getting. Then tonight I found a picture of Nate and I on another friends facebook page. It almost made me laugh. I am not exactly sure how long ago this picture was taken, but I want to say about 5-6 years ago. Looking at it makes me want to pinch Nate's cheeks : ), he looks so adorable (AWWWW).

HELP WANTED...and pictures

2009-03-05T23:49:00.005-06:00

I have been trying to think of a new title and really wanted one by the time Brody came into this world. However, as you can see I haven't really come up with anything worth hanging on to. So here is where you come in...I NEED HELP!!! I want all three kids involved. For example one that I thought of is "Two Boys and an Angel" but I wasn't too fond of it and know there is something better. Please give me ANY ideas you may have!!! Thank you (in advance) for your help.

Pictures...

My poor bubby...not feeling well and cuddling with his "babies" also known as stuffed animals

still not feeling well but getting comfort from his "babies"

In Our Thoughts and Prayers...

2009-03-01T22:08:00.003-06:00

A friend of mine has just lost her mother, Shirley who has been battling cancer for the last couple of years. Shirly is the mother of 19 children (one who went to Heaven very early). They have just recently found out that the cancer was spreading quickly throughout her body. Shirly put up one amazing fight and continued to fight every day. Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers.

Whitney,
My thoughts and prayers are with you all. Your mother is a very special lady who is in a wonderful place watching over you. I know that there are no words right now that can ease your pain but just know that I am here if you need ANYTHING, anything at all. I love you.

Totally stressed out...

2009-02-21T21:42:00.002-06:00

Kaden ended up going to the ER today (we were there for almost 4 hours, 1 1/2 hours we spent in the waiting room, well what my dad and I made into a waiting room). We found out that he has RSV. He did a good job being a big boy though. He actually made out with 12 stickers between three different women there, we came home with one and I was wearing that one. The rest ended up getting "dirty" and he decided he wanted to throw them away.

So there is nothing we can do for Kaden besides continue alternating the tylenol and motrin as well as giving him his breathing treatments. Not only am I concerned for Kaden but I also worry about Brody. It scares me knowing what can happen with such a young baby getting this crud. What really has me paranoid, is that on Monday Kaden told us that he was a baby and put Brody's binkie in his mouth. I did rinse it off with hot water, but did not sterilize it. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking of what could go wrong with both of the boys. I really hope that we can keep Brody healthy and get Kaden back to himself really soon.

Sleepless night...

2009-02-20T20:32:00.002-06:00

Last night was a sleepless night for us all, well except for Brody. Poor Kaden needed so much suctioning, it felt like Nate and I didn't even get to close our eyes long enough to fall asleep. Every time Kaden started coughing, he started crying. It seems like it really hurts him to cough. So, I called to make an appt for him after he showed that he couldn't get rid of his fever for good, however his doctor was already "full" for the day. I wanted to yell through the phone "My kid is SICK, it is Friday do you want me to wait until Monday???", but I didn't. Instead I asked how I could change to a different peds office (it didn't help that they wouldn't take Brody as a new patient). So, I am changing Kaden's doc to Brody's. Well, I ended up calling our doctor at Children's Mercy, but got the on-call doctor. I explained to him what was going on and he said it sounded like a respitory virus...SIGH. I worry about Kaden but I also worry about Brody getting it. I checked Kaden's O2 levels and it is riding at about 93-94%. This is low for him. I feel absolutely horrible for him. I wish that there was something I could do to make him feel better. He looks miserable and seems very weak. I think tomorrow I will take him to the ER and have them do x-rays and tests to see exactly what is going on and that way we can get meds if he needs them. Please say some extra prayers for us, to get Kaden healthy and keep Brody healthy. Thanks.

My poor big boy...

2009-02-19T21:43:00.002-06:00

Kaden is not feeling well. He had a rough morning yesterday. It started by him needing continous suctioning. We got to school and he just sat down in the middle of the hallway whining because he needed so much suctioning. I ended up changing his trach to make sure it wasn't blocked. After everything was done he got up and walked to class like not much had happened. I told his nurse that if he isn't himself later on to call me and I would pick him up. He stayed at school all day and came home and seemed to be alright. Later on in the evening he began to get real cuddlely and whiny. As I was holding him he felt really hot. I took his temp and he had a fever. At 6:30 he told me he was ready for bed. Today he has had a fever off and on. I have been giving him motrin or tylenol and it seems to break it for a little while. I hope he gets over whatever it is and starts acting like himself soon. I also hope that the rest of us do not get it. I feel so bad for him when he doesn't feel well. I wish I could make him feel better. I think if he continues to act like this tomorrow I will take him to the doctor. I am worried that it could be bronchitis again or even pneumonia. He has a cough but tries hard not to do so. My poor baby.

Brody is doing well. He is a really good baby. Either he sleeps good at night or I thought it would be worse then it really is. He had his first appt and the doctor said he is gaining weight really well, I should hope so, the kid eats like a little piggy. Kaden is adjusting to having his new baby brother at home. I think he is a little confused with all of the changes and has a little bit of jealousy. I do not blame him, he has been use to getting all of the attention for pretty much the last 4 1/2 years. It doesn't help that daddy has been working on our new house every day.

Cute...

2009-02-15T23:28:00.002-06:00

I just have a couple of cute stories to share with you.

First one:
Yesterday, I had just finished feeding Brody (which is going much better)and said "ok, now mommy needs to burp you." My nephew, Miles (he's five), was near me and said "oh you bought one of those things to put in his belly like Kaden" (talking about Kaden's mickey-button).

Second one:
I was letting Kaden pick out his two bedtime stories, one for himself, one for Ava. Miles was there and asked why he gets two bedtime stories. I explained it to him and his response was "because she is a spirit in the sky that we can't see?"

Third one:
I was feeding Brody (with a bottle because he is a little piggy and I (most of the time) have to follow breast feeding with a bottle of formula. Anyway I said something about Brody eating and Kaden lifted up his shirt and showed Brody his mickey-button and signed "eat".

I love how innocent little kids' minds are.

On another note...
Things are going well. I am really sore (mostly in my back). I think it is from my spinal. I am getting bad headaches and backaches. Hopefully they will go away soon. Brody has his first doctors appt tomorrow. I am anxious to see how much he weighs now. When we left the hospital he was at 10 lbs 4 oz. I am not sure if he is back up some or not. Well, I am going to feed Mr. Brody and hit the sack. I am so tired!!!

Picture Time...

2009-02-11T22:55:00.006-06:00

I not only posted the pictures of Mr. Brody, but I also finally posted the pictures I have promised a little while ago.

Meet Mr. Brody:

Here is Kaden, being a big boy waiting for his bronch.

Here we are releasing balloons for Angel Ava's birthday. If you can see it was a really windy day. We had a ton of balloons that ended up getting tangled together. My dad ended up cutting them apart so Kaden could send them one by one. He seemed to really enjoy that.

Sorry it has taken me so long to download pictures. I hope you enjoyed them.

We Are Home!!!

2009-02-11T16:19:00.002-06:00

We got home about an hour ago. Sorry I haven't posted any pictures. I had Nate take the laptop home b/c we couldn't get internet in the hospital, but I kept the camera and never downloaded any pictures. I did hear from him however that I needed to post pictures b/c we got a lot of request for them. I will download them tonight when everything settles down and get some posted.

Things are going well. It sure was different to have a baby in a hospital so close to home. Nate was able to go home and hang out with Kaden at night and then take him to school in the mornings. I am sure Kaden enjoyed that very much. I am just so excited to be home!!! It is all to real.

I am really sore, but I hear that time will heal that...I sure hope so. The pain meds make me too drowsey so I really want to try to take as little as those as I have too. Hopefully the motrin helps out. Breastfeeding isn't going too well. The first time we put him on, he did awesome and I thought "wow, this is going to go great." So...I have changed my mind. This big guy is hungry and my milk hasn't come in. He isn't a dummy, he figures "Why in the world am I working so hard for nothing," so he gets really frustrated when it is time to feed and I have the hardest time getting him latched on. Hopefully within the next day or so my milk will start coming in, or I might just break down and give him a bottle.

The c-section went alright...but boy am I glad I decided to go that route. The doctor even had trouble getting Brody's shoulders through the incision. The nurse said that she thought he was going to have to cut it bigger, but he didn't. Nate told me that he thought the doctor was going to rip his head off with the amount of force he needed to use to get him out. Once Brody's head was out the first thing I heard from everyone was "look at those chubby cheeks!!!" Then I heard that he was 11 lbs. I knew he was going to be big, but not that big. The good news is that I love chubby babies : ).

So be on the look out tonight. I will post pictures soon.

Brody Jace Boeckman Born 02-09-09

2009-02-09T21:39:00.003-06:00

We checked into the hospital around 7:15 a.m. and about 1230 p.m. the doctor began the c-section procedure. Brody Jace Boeckman was born big and healthy at 1241 p.m.
Brody weighed 11 lbs and was 23 inches in length. Everyone is doing good. Looks like Wednesday is the day to bring Brody home. Kaden wanted to hold Brody as soon as he saw Brody. Kaden was done holding Brody after about two minutes. Kaden told Brody bye bye and then tried to push Brody off his lap towards grandma. We had to have a talk with Kaden about how little (if you can call Brody that)Brody is and he has to be really gentle with him.

It feels great to hold Brody and know that he will be coming home soon.

Pictures will be coming soon.

Tomorrow is the BIG day!!!

2009-02-08T22:38:00.002-06:00

I can't believe we are finally going to meet Brody tomorrow. I am so excited, but nervous at the same time. Nate or I will keep everyone posted tomorrow. Stay tuned...

Monday...

2009-02-06T22:26:00.002-06:00

Today we had our doctor appt and sonogram. We did the sono first. I heard several times how large Brody is measuring, his stomach was too large for the ultrasound to actually measure. I knew there was a reason I am always hungry!!! Anyway, at the end of the sonogram I asked how big he was measuring. Ok guys, remember it can be off some, but at this time it measured him at 10 lbs 13 oz. My due date is Feb. 17th, however with the size of him my doctor wants to induce on Monday. Fine by me. I am so ready. We talked about the concerns the doctor has with him measuring so big. He even talked about the possibility of having a c-section. He is leaving everything up to us, and I think we are leaning towards the c-section after hearing what could go wrong.

I am really anxious to see just how big he really is. 10 lbs 13 oz??? Really, who has kids that big, and to think that is not even at full term. I will not be surprised if he is actually in the 9's though. We have determined that he has some chubby cheeks from looking at the ultrasound. I can not wait to see him and meet him. Nate thinks he will be born with a lot of dark hair, me I am thinking he may be more blond to start off with (like me, ok actually I was more bald then blond)but there is no way he should be bald with all the reflux I have been having. Both Kaden and Ava had the dark hair, like Nate when he was born. I am just getting very excited!!! I do have some shopping to finish this weekend before he comes. Man, did I put things off.

So, Monday we will have our new addition. I am excited for Kaden to meet him and see that our life will go back to "normal" shortly after. I worry for him and what he is thinking is going to happen after Brody is born. Today he did go through one of his toy boxes and showed me what toys are his and the ONE toy Brody can play with. I did get him talked into letting Brody play with more, it was kind of cute. I am not sure how cute it will be later when they are fighting over the toys, but for now I can smile at it.

So stay tuned, and Monday we should be able to post about Mr. Brody.

Good News...

2009-02-02T21:28:00.002-06:00

First of all, I am sorry that I didn't keep everyone updated. I am very tired and coming down with something...probably just a cold but I feel horrible. However it comes and goes and since we have been home it has come and not gone away. Oh, yeah that brings me to this...WE ARE HOME!!! I was very surprised, something I wasn't expecting. The doctor that was on the day that Ava passed, was actually in the PICU today. He came down to the surgery waiting room and asked us if we would feel comfortable taking Kaden home today if it was ok with the surgeon. Of course we said "YES".

Today started very early for us with little sleep from the night. I was very proud of Kaden though. He was in a great mood from the start. We got to the hospital and he had a blast playing with all the toys in the waiting room. They called us back and he was such a big boy...no tears!!! He might actually be getting the hang of all this hospital business : ). We had actually made a trip to the ER Sunday morning because his mickey-button had come out sometime before we woke up. The hole closes up so fast, and I wasn't able to get the replacement in. They got in in pretty easily though in the ER. Ok, so back to today. One of us was able to walk back with Kaden until he was sedated. I let Nate go thinking I might be too anxious. The OR nurse was amazing and Kaden really warmed up to her. She told him to tell mommy bye and he did without hesitation. I gave him kisses and a hug and then he looked at Nate and told him "bye-bye." He wasn't nervous at all. Nate still walked back with him and told me he was a big boy the whole time.

After we heard that we were able to take him home we met him outside of the recovery room. He was so drowsy and not in the same great mood he had been in. In fact, I think he hit me like...three times, just because. Or maybe he was mad at me for letting him go back there...who knows.

So to the good news...awhile back we heard that Kaden's vocal chords are paralyzed closed (letting him make noise, but not get air past them). We were told that most likely Kaden will always need a trach, but that he could come off the vent. Well, today after the bronch and another procedure (do not know how to spell) they found that Kaden had some scar tissue that went from one side of his vocal chords to the other. They cut that out. He also had some tissue built up that they cut out from his trachea. The surgeon stated that she believes that his vocal chords might work and that she wants to do another scope sometime soon when he is awake to see how well, if at all they work. She continued by saying that she is going to talk to Kaden's vent doc and recommend that we work hard at getting him off the vent and if everything goes well with the next scope that we start working on weaning him from the trach as well. I know this is probably coming out to be very confusing. I guess I am just saying that there is a possibility that Kaden can come off the vent and get rid of the trach. I do not know how to explain how happy Nate and I were to here this. I can not wait to be able to get this other scope done...expect for the fact that I know that Kaden will be very, very upset.

I wish I had my camera later on today. We stopped at Nebraska Furniture Mart and Kaden was riding in the cart. He was so grouchy, I can't blame him really. He ended up leaning over the handle and put his head on my belly. I look down a little later and he was out. So here I am, leaning over a cart, Kaden has his head on my belly (drooling may I add) and pushing it around without trying to disturb him. Very comfortable may I add. Nate tried to switch spots with me, but I guess his "belly" wasn't cutting it because Kaden woke up, reached for me and feel back to sleep on the belly.

I do have pictures that I need to get posted. I know I take forever to do this, but I will get it done one day. I am sorry if this is confusing or does not make sense, but I am too tired to proof read it.

Happy 1st Birthday Angel

2009-01-31T10:44:00.002-06:00

Ava,

I can not believe that you are one today. It is unbelievable to me how time can go by so fast, but at the same time seem so slow. There is not a day that goes by that we do not think of you and wonder what life would be like with you here with us. I can only imagine all the things you would be getting into right now. Oh, and to see you dig into your first birthday cake, I am sure it would have been a sight to see.

You have touched our hearts. Your fight was amazing, but God had other plans for you. Sometimes it is hard to understand exactly what they were, but I think that your story is helping other families whether or not they may be going through the same things that you went through. You are an inspiration to mommy and daddy. You and your bubby have taught us so many things that others never would have. I hope that you felt the love we have for you while you were here with us and continue to feel it. I also hope that you understand that we had the best intentions in every decision that we had to make for you. Although I would rather have you here with us (I know that may sound selfish)I want to thank you for not leaving the decision up to mommy and daddy. I know that may sound harsh, but I don't think I could have ever had the strength to make that type of decision. I know that you fought as hard as you could for each day you were here with us and I could not ask for anything more. The 3 1/2 months you were with us, although hard and short, are days I will never forget.

I do have a hard time remembering little things, like how you felt in my arms, how soft yours skin was, the sound of your cry. However, I will never forget the love I have for you and the beauty that surrounded you. I think about all that we are going to miss not having you around. I think about how daddy feels about not having is little girl, how he won't be able to scare away your first boyfriend, or how he won't be able to walk you down the aisle. I hear songs that speak of daughters and it makes me miss you even more. They say with time that the heart heals, although I am not sure how true that is. I do think with time that it just becomes more of a reality.

Well baby girl, Kaden and I need to finish getting ready so we can go pick up your daddy and start to celebrate your birthday. We love you more then words can express and miss you terribly. I hope you love all the balloons you will be getting today. I know Kaden is excited to send some to you. He wants to bring you flowers too!!! I know that he misses you so much.

Love you always and forever,
Mommy, Daddy, Kaden and baby Brody

What a weekend...

2009-01-28T22:47:00.002-06:00

This coming weekend is approaching fast...too fast. Ava's birthday is just a few days away. Please help us celebrate her life by sending balloons her way. I have had a few people ask me what color I think she would have liked. I think that she would be like her big brother...in which color doesn't matter, just the joy of the balloons themselves. However, she was definitely my "pretty in pink" girl (ok, she was pretty in any color, but my favorite was pink, maybe it's a girl thing).

So Friday, we have an appt in KC for Kaden's pre-admissions stuff. It is also my mom's 21st ; ) birthday. Saturday, of course, is our angels birthday and then Sunday we are headed back to KC to stay the next couple of days for Kaden's bronch. We have decided to go up on Sunday because it is about a 2 hour drive and it seems we happen to be first case every time. It's just easier to stay the night up there the night before. I continue to be concerned about how things are going to go (emotionally). With it being so close to Ava's birthday doesn't help anything. I worry about how Kaden will be feeling and if he will be able to express his thoughts about any of it. My heart breaks just thinking about what could go on in his head. One of us, Nate or I, will stay in the PICU with him over night. I couldn't imagine leaving him there by himself, I am sure that would be a very scary experience for him that I do not want him to go through (for any young child at that). Again, it makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it.

Well, then we will come home Tuesday. I'll go back to work and hope that Brody comes soon so I can take that maternity leave. I NEED a "break", work is stressing me out on top of other things.

One more thing...
I got a something in the mail awhile back about making a quilt block in memory of Ava to be used at the CMH. I don't know how many of you have seen the memory quilts they have hanging in the hallway, but that is what it will be used for. So anyway, I finally got ours done, (I know, last minute) but now I have to get it to the chaplain. I plan on calling her tomorrow to see if I can just bring it to her Friday or if I need to send it overnight. We will see. So, for those of you who visit the hospital...keep your eyes opened. I don't know how long it will take for them to put the quilts together, but if I hear anything I will let you know.

Thanks.

One Step Closer...

2009-01-23T16:06:00.002-06:00

I had a doctor appt today. The baby is still growing, but I already knew that!!! I am dialated to 1cm. I know, it doesn't seem like much, but it sure made me happy to know that I am not just experiencing the contractions without any progress. I'll take it. I still have 3 1/2 weeks left until my due date, so we will see if he comes a little early, whether on his own or at the request of the doctor.

Sleep just keeps getting harder and harder to come by. Who needs sleep, right? I know they say it is to prepare you for when the baby comes, but I really think that is unfair. I think Kaden is getting on a different schedule as well. The little stinker woke up a little after 5am yesterday morning and didn't want to go back to sleep. Actually, he has been getting up when I get up for work and he is normally my sleeping buddy on the weekend, sleeping until at least 9. Maybe, he knows things are changing. He is doing really well in school. He actually has a bronch coming up so we will be at CMH the 2nd and 3rd of Feb. for that. I am not looking forward to it. One reason, I do not know how he is going to react being in the PICU after everything with Ava. Second reason, I don't know how I am going to feel about being in the PICU after everything with Ava. I knew that the time would come, I just wish it didn't have to.

Which brings me to my next topic. Ava's birthday is going to be here in about a week. I can't believe that she will be one already. It makes me so sad to know all that we missed with her this past year. Well, we have decided to do a balloon release to celebrate with her. It is so hard to think of ways to celebrate a special occassion like this without her here to celebrate it with. Please join us, as there are many of you who follow along in our journey, and release a balloon for Ava. We would love to see pictures of you all with your balloons so that we can put it in Ava's scrap book. You can e-mail them to me at nateandamy1@yahoo.com. I think that I am going to do cupcakes and things with our family, but haven't thought of all the details. I want to thank you all for being (in a way) a part of our family, although we haven't had the pleasure of meeting most of you. I will put a reminder up for Ava's birthday the closer we get to it. Thanks again.

SIGH

2009-01-17T21:52:00.004-06:00

Finally, I have been able to change the background. It was driving me a little nuts, that with other things like HORMONES. So, now I will go with the Valentines theme, I know it is a little early, but who knows how much time I will have to do things in the near future.

I continue to be uncomfortable. Sleep is getting harder and harder to come by. Seriously, how many pillows does a pregnant women need to get comfortable??? I guess it probably would help if I didn't sleep between two bed hogs (aka Nate and Kaden), but in the non-pregnant world that is the best place to be :). I don't know if my stomach can take too much more, ok, well my whole body. I am so sore, almost all of the time. I can't get up without regretting thinking it over and then regretting it. However, most of the time I do not have a choice of staying where I am. I wake up almost every hour to roll over, the whole time saying "Ow Ow Ow" and moving little by little. I know, I know, I am complaining, but right now I feel I have every right too : ). I will be in complete shock if Brody isn't close to Kaden's weight, although I don't remember feeling so awful back then, but hey, that was over 4 years ago.

I am so excited to meet this little guy. I am really excited to see Kaden with him. I think he is going to do very well with him. I am nervous about making sure that Kaden feels loved and not left out. Nate is busy with building the house right now, so I think I will be here with the boys by myself quite a bit, and I just want to make sure that Kaden has enough attention from mommy.

Today, my mom, Kaden and I went shopping for part of the day. We didn't get too much. We actually went to get my birthday present, however I couldn't find exactly what I was looking for. We went to a furniture store and looked around. We ended up by the children's furniture and Kaden found a bunkbed, his size. He was able to get on it and off of it by himself. But yes, we have received the furniture you all helped him get (some of you have been asking about it), we just haven't put it up yet because we have decided to wait until we get into the new house. I did remind him that he already has a big boy bed and when we get into the house he will be sleeping in it, which I am excited for but nervous about at the same time.

Other then that, I finally started getting into the "nesting" stage. However, I am so tired and sore all of the time it is hard for me to actually get going. Oh, one day...maybe.

Is it just me...

2009-01-15T23:20:00.001-06:00

I know a lot of the blogs I follow and vice-versa use the cutest blog on the block for their backgrounds...so I was just wondering, is anyone else unable to get on their site. I have been waiting for awhile to change my background and have not been able to get on their site. Any advice???

Waiting...

2009-01-10T22:56:00.002-06:00

I have been wanting to change my background for the last couple of days, but unfortunately the site I use is down right now. It is driving me a little on the crazy side. Hopefully within the next few days I can get it done, however, by then I will probably be a too lazy.

Well, yesterday I had a doctor's appt. They asked if I was having any contractions and I told the nurse that I didn't know if the were braxton hicks or real ones. So the doctor checked me. I was not dilated yet (which is fine with me b/c it is still kind of early) but he did say my cervix is softening. He then measured the baby. After doing so, he sat down and shook his head. He then says..."I don't know Amy, he is a big baby." He asked me how big Kaden and Ava were. I am confused about this part...he said something about the baby being 8.5-9lbs. Then he said something about having him at 38 weeks. He said that they will probably do an ultrasound at this time and see how big he is and decide from there. I am confused because when I first heard the 8.5-9lbs Nate and I figured he was talking about how much he felt Brody might weigh at birth. Well, then I started thinking, I told him how much my other two weighed and that I had no complications so why not just let me go until Brody decides to come on his own. So now I am wondering if he is thinking that he is at that weight now and that is the reason for his expression and comment after measuring me/baby. It would totally explain why I am as uncomfortable as I am. No joke. Today I woke up and could barely walk...ok, move. If I didn't know any better I would think that I was going to have him any day...like he is just going to fall out of me (ok that was probably too much information).

Today, I took out all the clothes that my mother and I bought, as well as the clothes that others gave us and separated sizes and did a lot of washing. Brody should be good for the 3-6months size. I am so excited. Baby clothes are the best!!! I can not wait to put them on him. I think I already have his "going home" outfit picked out!!! So now, I need to get everything else!!! After the appt. I started thinking, 38 weeks, that is in like 3 weeks from now. Not much time to get everything done and bought. Why am I such a procrastinator???

A Little Fun...

2009-01-03T22:22:00.002-06:00

I have two things I would like from all of our readers...

First of all, I am amazed at how many readers we have. It really touches my heart to know that my babies touch yours. I can not believe how many people log on and read each day. I am very curious to know who you all are and how you found our blog (if you remember, I can't remember how I have found others myself). So please, leave a comment and let us know...

While your at it, I would like for you guys to guess a weight for baby Brody. My mom, grandma and I were talking about it tonight, here are their guesses...

My mom - 1st guess 10 lbs 13 oz, after I gave her a look like she was crazy she changed it to 10 lbs 3 oz but she thinks he will be around 26 in....I never heard of a baby that long : ) I think she is a little tired!!!!

My grandma - 9 lbs 8 oz

Me - hopefully big enough, but not too big. I will be surprised if he is not close to Kaden's weight and height.

Just a little background info:
Nate was just a little over 10 lbs when he was born

Me, well I was 8 lbs 1/2 oz and 21 inches long

Kaden - 9 lbs 13 oz and 23 inches long

Ava - 8 lbs 8 oz and 20 1/2 inches long (I was told 8 lbs 7 oz however it was written at 8 oz)

Baby Brody - ??????? On the last sono I was exactly 26 weeks and he was measuring at about 29 weeks 3 days.

While I am talking about baby weights, did you all see the baby who was born weighing 14 lbs...that I would like to stay away from!!!

So, leave a comment and let us know who you are, how you found us and your guess on Baby Brody's weight!!! It will be very interesting and fun for us to read. Thank you for your time!!! For those we already know in the blogging world, we would still like to hear from you too!!!

I hope everyone is having a great New Year so far!!!

I might try to post a recent picture of the belly to give you all an idea of how big I really am, tomorrow.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2009-01-01T00:38:00.003-06:00

I hope everyone had a safe and happy new year!!!

I have a lot to say about 2008. We have been through highs and lows (about as low as any parent could get). I am excited to start a new year and look forward to experiencing the new gifts life has to give us.

Kaden,
You have grown so much over the last year. What a big boy you are becoming. You have learned to walk and continue to work on the potty training, but I know in your own time you will get it (hopefully sooner then later). You continue to amaze mommy and daddy with how incredibly smart you are. You have been working so hard to come off your vent, unfortunately the bronchitis you had still has it's affects on your lungs which is making it difficult for you to come off your vent for very long.

You have taught mommy and daddy so much. I only pray that you feel how special you are to mommy and daddy. We love you so much. For your four years here with us, you have been through a lot. Not only with what you have gone through but watching what your sissy has been through and then all of us as a family. You give mommy and daddy incredible strength, you must have some type of superhero powers. You are definitely mommy and daddy's hero. We are so proud of you and feel so lucky that you are OUR son. The love we have for you is undescribable, it goes way beyond words. I pray that your 2009 is filled with nothing but greatness for you. You deserved every bit of it.

We love you so much. You are very special and we are very lucky to have the pleasure of watching you grow, learn and just love you.

Love you always and forever,
Mommy and Daddy

Angel Ava,
Although you are not physically here with us, your memory is always with us. We miss you so much. Even with the outcome, we are glad you came into our lives (like the song "The Dance"). Thank you for fighting as long as you did, just so mommy, daddy and bubby could be with you a little longer. This year has gone by so fast. I can not believe that you will almost be one. It is unbelievable to me.

I feel like you were here so long ago, I think because of how much I miss you. However, I remember every detail of the night I had you. I remember how fast you came into this world. I remember how much I was shaking when I was holding you after you were born and giving you to daddy because I was scared I was going to hurt you or something because I couldn't stop shaking. I hope you know how proud daddy and I are of you. You are an amazing little girl who touched many lives (you take after your brother in that department!!).

I thought about you a lot tonight. I wish you could have celebrated with us, even if you were already in bed like your bubby. Your so precious to us and our love for you will never fade, no matter how many years go bye.

We love you baby girl.

Love always and forever,
mommy and daddy

I Am So Lucky...

2008-12-30T22:32:00.002-06:00

I have the best job in the world...ok, not really. Today I was doing things to get stuff ready for group that I am now coordinating and ended up having to pick up a little man and hang out with him for awhile. While we were in a company vehicle (thank goodness), I hear "Mrs. Amy" and I turn around. He had thrown up all over himself along with part of the van. I asked him why he didn't tell me that he didn't feel good and he said "I told you I missed my mommy." I should have known : ). I felt so bad for him, but I do not do throw up. As I handed him paper towels to try to get some of it off of him, I was so close to throwing up myself. Driving him home, I almost threw up on the van too. UGH...talk about the most frustrating part...I came back and had to clean up this vomit with some type of vomit clean up kit, which didn't work that well. I spent so much time cleaning up this mess, I think I need a raise!!! I don't know what I am going to do when Brody gets sick. Kaden has a fundo so he can't throw up (which makes me feel horrible for him when he is sick). So that was the "highlight" of my day.

I am so glad I get to come home to Kaden, he always makes everything better, especially on days like today. How could he not...look at him. Now I just hope that we don't get sick.

AHHHHH...

2008-12-29T20:41:00.002-06:00

I can not breathe!!! Seriously, this little man is making me so uncomfortable and I still have 7 weeks left. I don't know what I am going to do. Yesterday I couldn't do much because I would do something and then spend forever trying to get air to my lungs. Then I couldn't sleep last night because it felt like I couldn't catch a breath. I actually called my Dr.'s nurse and she probably thought I was crazy. I just wanted to make sure that it was normal because I couldn't remember going through the whole breathing issues with Kaden or Ava. She said with how I am carrying that Brody is probably just pushing up on my diaphragm. Thanks kiddo.

My mom and I were talking last night about how big Brody will probably be. We were comparing my stomach as of now to my stomach with Ava around the same time frame. I am way bigger with Brody then I was with Ava. I will be very surprised if this baby is not as big as Kaden. I don't know what I am going to do the last four weeks when he gains, what...1/2 lb a week. UGH.

Today I had to run to Wal-Mart. The cashier was asking me about my pregnancy and asked if it was my first. I told her no, that I had two others. As we were talking about everything, she then asked "their ages." I told her Kaden's and then hesitated for a second and told her about Ava. She looked very sorry that she asked, but continued by wishing me luck with this pregnancy. I have told myself that I want to include Ava in conversations about my kids, but when it comes time it is so hard because I don't know the reaction I am going to get and I really do not want to feel like I am putting people on the spot, but how else am I going to keep her memory alive???

On another note: I took my Christmas tree down yesterday. I typically leave it up until after New Year's but just felt the need to take it down yesterday. I am glad I got it out of the way!!!

I hope everyone enjoys their New Year's!!!! Have a safe and happy one!!!

Finally some new pictures and videos...

2008-12-28T00:48:00.004-06:00

These are, of course, some photos from Christmas. Kaden was really excited about Santa coming to the house and continues to talk about him. One of the videos is of Kaden in the car. We were driving to Nate's hometown and there are some serious hills out there, the type that make your stomach leap out of your body. Kaden loves going down these hills as you can probably tell in the video. The other video is of Kaden enjoying a group singing Christmas music after visiting Santa Claus.

While I am at it, I have a couple of cute stories to share from today. The first one...Kaden was going through some of his new toys and signing who gave them to him...Santa, mommy and daddy, etc. Kaden got a gift from angel Ava. He picked it up and signed "sister" and then looked up to Heaven and signed "thank you." It was way too sweet. Then I was reading him Horton Hears A Who. I read one line that says something like "too small to be seen by an elephant's eyes" but read it as "elephant's eye" and turned the page. Kaden turned the page back and pointed to the "s" in eyes. What a smartie pants!!!

Well, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. Now that it took me FOREVER to download these videos I think I am going to go to bed.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

2008-12-25T17:18:00.003-06:00

We would like to wish everyone a MERRY CHRISTMAS. Kaden made out, he must have been a REALLY good boy this year!!! He woke up at about 7:15 and seemed excited that Santa came but was a little on the tired side so whined a little when he had to use too much effort to open up his gifts this morning. Once he got to grandpa and grandma's he was more into it. Now I have to figure out where we are going to put everything!!!!

I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful Christmas!!!

Another Prayer Request...

2008-12-23T22:32:00.002-06:00

Please keep Carson and Kaci over at My Three Sons in your prayers. Carson has been having difficulty gaining weight due to some feeding issues and they have been trying to keep him from getting admitted into the hospital by sending him home with a NG tube (inserted through the nose down to the stomach for feedings). However, they are having a hard time with Carson pulling it out and when mom tries to put it back in he goes limp. So far this week I think they have been to the ER twice (and it is only Tuesday)...this time hoping that they do not get admitted. It is really hard to be in the hospital with a child on any special occasion, especially Christmas. Please visit their site (on my side bar) and let them know that you are thinking and praying for them during this tough time.

Kaci, if you need anything...call me!!! I hope things get better and they can figure out what is going on with Carson. We are thinking about you and keeping you in our prayers.

Mr. Carson...

2008-12-21T16:48:00.003-06:00

I just wanted to ask you all to visit Kayleigh Anne's blog (the button on the side bar). She was born very prematurely and has been in the hospital for a long period of time. She is battling pneumonia, which was very close to taking her life, but with continous prays she seems to be healing. Her mother and father put a button on their site for donations as they are struggling financially while trying to be there for Kayleigh while she is in the hospital. They also have two other children at home.

We have been there and know of the struggles they are going through. I know not everybody can help financial, but even your moral support and prayers will help them. Please read their blog to find out more about this precious little girl and while you are there, leave a comment for the family. Thank you so much.

Giving it another try...

2008-12-17T22:39:00.003-06:00

I tried to post last night and after I had finished my post my Internet stopped working. Talk about driving somebody up the wall.

Well, basically I talked about Kaden's trip to see Santa. He did alright, considering that Santa sat right across from the book store in the mall. Kaden did sit on Santa's lap, after I picked him up from the floor and put him there. He signed what he wanted and signed "thank you." Santa's helper asked Kaden to show Santa how to sign "Merry Christmas." Mommy helped Kaden, but he did it as well as showing him how to sign "Santa Claus." Santa seemed to get a kick out of it. We also stopped in an area in the mall where a band was playing Christmas music. Kaden got right in front of the stage and danced his little bootie off. Everyone around looked as though they were enjoying the entertainment provided by the one and only MR. KADEN!!!!

We got about 3 or so inches of snow yesterday. It is very pretty, but is driving me crazy with how messy it makes everything.

Last, I have decided to post a picture of my continous growing bump. I will post other pictures as soon as I get them downloaded on the computer. I have become a little lazy with that part of it all. The only reason I can post these picture is because somebody sent it to me.

Kaden's first visit with Santa this year.

Light Your Candles

2008-12-13T22:46:00.005-06:00

Please do not forget to light your candles tomorrow from 7pm to 8pm to remember the life of our precious little Ava and all of the other little angels taken from their families too soon. Thank you.

Ava Rae Boeckman
January 31, 2008 - May 7, 2008

Baby girl,
We miss you every day. Yesterday mommy, daddy and Kaden decorated your grave site for Christmas. I hope you like it. Kaden picked out "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" to read to you. I don't know how much reading he actually did, but he did show you the pictures. We talk about you and think about you all of the time. I bought you your Christmas ornament. I was looking for a beautiful butterfly, but couldn't find one so I got you a barbie ballerina ornament. I thought that you would like it. Kaden thought so as well. He got a grinch ornament. We have many ornaments on our tree for you. I wish that you could be here with us on Christmas morning. As I shop for presents there are a ton of things I pass by wondering if you would like them. I wish that I could take you with us tomorrow when we go visit Santa, and see you on his lap with Kaden. I could picture your face now, looking up at him wondering who the heck he is, in a pretty and girly holiday dress with little bows in your hair.

I know that you are in a good place and that you are not feeling pain which makes me feel selfish wishing you were here instead. I miss you so much. You are always in my thoughts and in my heart. I love you so much. I do feel so lucky to have such a special little angel watching over us and protecting us. You were so beautiful when you were here with us, I couldn't even imagine how much more your beauty has grown since you've gained your wings. I am sure you are absoulutely gorgeous up there in Heaven.

Well, good night baby girl. I love you. Hugs and kisses forever.

Love always and forever,
mommy, daddy, Kaden and baby Brody

It's Been A Long Day...

2008-12-11T20:33:00.003-06:00

Today I had my three hour glucose test and it came back...normal!!! It was a pretty boring three hours but it did go by faster then I thought it would. After the second blood test the lab tech said I could leave for 45 minutes and come back for the next blood sample. I went out to my car and it would not start...darn me, I forgot to turn off my lights. Nate's friend came by and jumped it for me...thanks again Ryan. I also got a call from Kaden's medical supply company saying that his medicaid insurance is no longer valid. What great timing since I really had all the time in the world to call around to figure this out. However, I didn't get ahold of the person who could help me. How frustrating!!! So tomorrow I will continue my phone calls until I can get this resolved.

So the good news is, is that I do not have gestational diabetes, oh, and I got a "promotion" at work!!!

2008-12-09T18:35:00.001-06:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

DECEMBER 14th...

2008-12-08T21:11:00.008-06:00

I received something in the mail the other day and then read about the same thing in the newspaper yesterday. Compassionate Friends (an organization that provides support for bereaved parents) is sponsoring a world wide candle lighting. This candle lighting is a ceremony to remember children who have passed away. It is held on December 14th (which I believe is on a Sunday) at 7:00pm for each time zone. This is to cause kind of a wave of lighting around the world for 24 hours. Please take part in remembering Ava along with the other beautiful children who have lost their lives.

Another thing that I will make a tradition is the lighting of a candle on special events such as holidays to represent Ava celebrating with us. I hope this will make it easier for our family to remember that although we can not see or touch her that she is still with us.

Remember to light your candle on Dec. 14th 7:00pm to help remember little angels like our precious Ava.

Angel Ava

Angel Gabi

Angel Elli

Angel Brody

Angel Mariah Boeckman

Angel Madison Rice

Angel Jack Eickholt

and the many, many more little angels that families are missing every day.

If you would like, you can send me a picture of your candle and I will try to use the pictures to make something special. Thanks.

*Sorry, I could not figure out how to make the pictures all the same size.

Dr. Appointment

2008-12-05T22:18:00.002-06:00

Today Kaden had a doctor appt for his regular vent check. He is doing very well and continues to impress the doctor as well as all the others there who know him. I explained to him this morning that he was going to the hospital and he immediately signed "hurt" and pointed to his leg where he got a previous shot. I told him that I didn't thing that he would get a shot today (which ended up being a lie, well kind of...he had blood drawn). The last 4 hospital visits he has been poked, so I don't blame him for being worried.

Kaden showed off all his new talents that the doctor hasn't seen too much of. He showed her how well he walks now, how he can spell, and his cute personality. He got many, many laughs and "awe's" today, just being his goofy self. The doctor and nurse walked us to our next appt, which was with Pre-admissions testing. When they were leaving Kaden signed "thanks for playing" to them (silly boy). During the pre-admissions we found out that they are going to wait to do the bronch because they do not feel comfortable putting him under after being sick and still having a cough. Then Kaden's doctor came back and took him up to the NICU to visit some staff that had taken care of him while there. It was so fun to see Kaden walking around from office to office and seeing the faces on everyone. That has been one thing Nate and I have always wanted, having Kaden walk into the NICU. I can't explain why, it has just been a little dream of ours for him. He got a little shy when a group of nurses came to see him...although I think it is because he had a crush on one of the nurses and her hair (he has a thing for curly hair, what can I say).

A cute story before I log off. Last night Nate and I were talking to Kaden about his baby brother before going to bed. Nate asked him what he was going to do when his baby brother came. Kaden then signed "baby, cry."

Me: Yes babies cry, what can you do when the baby cries?
Kaden signs: play toys, books, share.
Me: That is so nice that you are going to share your things with Brody.
Kaden signs: eat, diaper, sleep.
Nate and I: Oh so you are going to feed him and change his diaper and then put him to sleep.
Kaden: nods his head yes (which he just started, he typically signs yes, but the nod is soooo much cuter).

Nate and I also explained to him that things will be different then last time and that Brody will get to come home. Kaden signed "home" as if looking for reassurance. I am so excited to see the two of them together. Nate asked him if he was going to hold Brody, and Kaden nodded his head yes. However, the last few babies we have been around, Kaden doesn't seem to keep too much interest in them so we will see.

Oh, one more thing. Since Kaden has been sick, he has had the thickest mucus. Well the last three days now he has coughed up stuff so thick that it gets stuck in his trach and then we have to do an emergency trach change. Today, the third day, it happened on the way home from the hospital. I had no idea that my big pregnant butt could hop in the middle row so fast (let me tell you that was not an easy task) and then reach all the way to the back of the vehicle to grab the bag with the spare trach in it and end up changing it all in less then a minute. Nate was on the highway and couldn't pull over fast enough. I was kind of sore after doing this. I think it was from me hitting my belly on the seat a few times, either that or just being out of shape : ). I wonder what the vehicles next to us were thinking?

Here comes the three hour test..

2008-12-03T13:35:00.003-06:00

So today I had my glucose test. I have to go back for the 3 hour test next week. How fun??? I am really nervous because the number was pretty high, and at the time I hadn't eaten for the day. I read about gestational diabetes on the internet just a little bit ago and it has made me very nervous. I don't know why for sure, I know there are many women that get it. I guess, just with everything we have been through with Kaden and Ava and then to put this on Brody as well as myself just scares me. I don't know for sure what to expect, just some of the things I have read bother me. Who knows, maybe it will be nothing when I go back for this lovely testing. I guess I need to change my eating habits anyway. Lately I have been craving sugar and unfortunately I have plenty of it in my house. I really need to say bye to it all, starting today. Man, that means I need to go grocery shopping for something I can munch on besides apples. They may get old really fast. Maybe if I start now, it will help me get back to my girlish figure faster : ), yeah right.

The doctor also talked about the size of Brody (this was before the results of my test). He said that they will keep an eye on things but that they may have to induce because he seems to be such a big baby. I wouldn't mind having him a little early, myself!!!

Pictures

2008-12-02T22:01:00.004-06:00

Here are a few pictures Kaden's teacher sent me of him enjoying school. What a big boy!!! He is so amazing, I can not get enough of him.

He is doing better, still has a cough with a little raspiness behind it. He has an appt on Friday and was suppose to have a bronch done on Monday. They will let us know on Friday if they will continue with that or not. The antibiotic that he is on has given him diarrea...something that I have waken up to the past couple of mornings. It is not the greatest thing to clean up especially when everyone is still wanting to sleep. I started coating his little bottom with aquaphor tonight in hopes of keeping it from breaking down. We have definitely been there, done that (while in the NICU)and let me tell you it was one of the worse things for him (that is saying a lot with all that he has been through). Every time he would wet or dirty his diaper he would clamp down and his O2 sats would drop as well as heart rate sometimes. It was just horrible and nothing would work. Once we got home it cleared up pretty fast. I have never really understood why, because even in the NICU I would change his diaper anytime it needed it. Ok, this is going into too much detail, so I will just let you know that Kaden seems to be doing a better.

Pictures of Kaden at school

Neubulizers, Antibiotics, and Shots...

2008-11-29T23:23:00.002-06:00

Kaden made a trip to the ER today. The past few days we have been suctioning him a lot more then usual...especially at night. Thursday night, Kaden and I were awake every hour through the night because the poor guy continously coughed and then needed suctioned because he had so much mucuos. I would say we didn't go through one hour without at least five passes with the suction cathedar. Then last night he started running a low fever, however Tylenol seemed to fix that. He was so tired but wanted so bad to stay awake and involved with the activities. Once I got him on my lap, he was out like a light. So, when we woke up today (at 10:00am which was great after getting up through the night with him) he was running a slight fever again. I got us ready and called my dad to have him help bring Kaden to the ER since Nate was at work. I wanted them to check to see if he had bronchitis or pneumonia.

Kaden was not impressed that we were at the hospital. He did not want to be touched or bothered. He got a breathing treatment, that we will be doing at home for a while, then he got chest x-rays done. He was a really big boy with this. He got to stand up to do them, instead of laying down and grandpa got him to say cheese. He thought he was taking a picture. When the results came back the doctor said that "it was not quite pnuemonia." OK??? but wanted to give him a shot of what I believe was some type of antibiotic for pneumonia to stay ahead of it. And what better place to get a shot then in the butt??? Kaden of course had to be held down and the needle still came out and had to go right back in. The nurse said that this shot really stings and is painful for a little bit. However, Kaden really didn't cry much, he just clenched down, I don't know if that was because he was worn out or what. He did want mommy though and held on for dear life. Before holding him, the nurse mentioned the word band-aid and put it on him. Have I ever mentioned how much this child HATES band-aids? Kaden cried worse with this then he did with the shot. You should see how much fun we are having trying to change his diaper right now. He is so nervous we are going to pull it off. I think tomorrow he will have to soak it off in the tub...if he feels up to it. So the nurse did say that it was bronchitis and put him on the oral antibiotics as well as the breathing treatments. My poor guy, he just looks so miserable. It's amazing what tylenol will do for a couple hours though.

Thanksgiving went well. Thursday we had dinner with my family. Friday we went to Nate's family. While there Santa made a visit to their town so we went to see him. Kaden was a little hesitant to walk up to him. He did sit on Santa's lap...without mommy this year. After that he wanted to keep going up to him. He did really well. I am so proud of him. I asked him if he wanted to see Santa again. He of course said yes. So we will have to take a trip to the mall sometime soon. I will post pictures later of his first visit with Santa this year.

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T00:19:00.002-06:00

We just wanted to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I am thankful for a lot of things, but the biggest one being our family.

My Turn...

2008-11-25T22:11:00.002-06:00

I guess it is my turn to come down with something. Lucky me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30, that is WAY early for me, I even left dishes in the sink...which by the way drove me nuts this morning. I woke up and had a horrible headache and was just very tired. Now, my throat is feeling sore. I just hope that is the end of it, that no other symptoms come along. I also hope that I can keep Kaden from getting it. He has a surgery coming up and if he gets sick they will have to post-pone it and I am ready to get it done with.

Quick cute story. Today Kaden's class made stone soup. I sent a can of corn with him to put in the soup. I guess the teacher opened the can and asked Kaden to "put the corn in the soup." He did. The can and everything. I guess next time she will have to tell him to pour the corn in the soup!!! Silly guy. I love you buddy, you crack me up.

Flashback...

2008-11-24T12:27:00.002-06:00

Today, as I was driving home for lunch I tried to call Nate. He didn't charge his phone last night, so it went straight to voicemail. I then got this really panicked feeling and begin to immediately think of the day that Ava passed away. I began to replay the events in my mind and it all started with me trying to call Nate and I couldn't get a hold of him so I called dispatch and I remember them asking me if everything was alright. I said "yes," through my crying and remember telling them that it was very important.

I don't know if it is the upcoming holidays that brought this on or just something that will occasionally happen to me for the rest of my life. It really tugged on my heart, it just seemed so real again. I remember going out into the waiting room to call Nate because I was upset that they were going to reintubate her (put her back on the vent), that is when I couldn't get a hold of him. After I talked to him, I remember sitting there waiting to be able to go back in her room and then the chaplain came out. Even writing about it right now is making me lose my breath. I remember thinking that the nurses called for her just because I was so upset about the ventilator. Then someone else came out and told me that things were not looking good and asked if there was someone they could call. We went into a private room and they began to call Nate and my dad. Then someone came and got me saying that I needed to go to her room because they didn't think she was going to make it. I remember standing by her bed watching the doctor do CPR and not being able to breathe. They told me to sit down and I just sat there crying. Then the doctor talked to me and the next thing I know is they put her in my arms and used the bag to breathe for her a couple of times and then disconnected it. I remember feeling so bad for her, so bad for Nate that he had to drive up there knowing all this was going on and not being able to be by her side. I remember having the chaplain call him and let him know that she did not make it. I remember being confused about how to go about letting Kaden know. I remember it not feeling real, feeling like I was having a horrible nightmare and I couldn't wake up. I remember all those things like it was yesterday, but I can't remember how she felt in my arms, the important things like that.

Today, I still feel like I was dreaming, but that everything was a dream. Ava was a dream. I miss her so much and I wish that she didn't feel so far away from us. I know that I will continue to carry her in my heart, but it is not the same as if she were in my arms. How I wish I could hold her again, see her again. I look at her pictures over and over, but it is not the same.

I love you baby girl. Mommy, daddy and bubby miss you so much. You will forever be a part of us.

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree...

2008-11-22T23:11:00.002-06:00

You almost drove me crazy.

Today I decided to put up the tree. A few years ago I bought a pre-lit tree, the best thing next to slice bread, well so I thought until I put it up today. I plugged it in and 2/3 of the lights did not work. So Nate went through to look at each bulb and see if any looked burnt out (thanks babe). Poor guy had to look through the lights while still on the tree since we couldn't take them off. What a task, however one that was not a success. I decided to do the easy thing and go to the store to buy a couple strands of lights and just put them up on the tree for now. I get home plug the first set in, didn't work, second set, didn't work either. You have got to be kidding me!!! I was so frustrated at this point I wanted to through everything out of the window. My grandma had extra strands of lights and let me use a couple. SOOOO, after 4 hours we have a decorated tree with working lights.

So long Gray, you will be missed...

2008-11-21T21:07:00.002-06:00

Well, kind of. Today was the day we had to give "Gray" back. For those of you who may not know, Gray is a device Kaden used to communicate...aka a Lightwriter. We had a group of people here today interested to see what else there was out there that might better benefit Mr. Kaden. We also had a rep from the company Dynavox and a person who works at the "loaning" company from which we are borrowing these items. They both brought some goodies, which Kaden called "Gray's family,"...no lie. He is so stinken smart and creative (this is the kid who named a one eye cat stuffed animal "One Eye Elephant". We are borrowing/checking out, however you want to look at it, something similar to the lightwriter. It is a little bigger but does basically the same thing.

I am so glad that we decided to look before we bought. I know exactly what I want Kaden to have. It is AWESOME. I don't know what it is called right now, and I am too lazy to get up to look. But anyway, it is a touch screen (I know that is a very technical name), and has different "pages" he can go into, touch button after button (these buttons have pictures and words on them) and make a sentence. For instance, he could push 5 different buttons to create "I want to eat candy," instead of typing it all out. It also has a keyboard so he could type out something if he wanted to (saying that he is really about that right now). It is a small device for all that it can do. It is a computer and you can actually go onto the Internet with it. Ok...this is kind of gross but it also has a button with a guy on it and air coming from his butt. The word on it...Fart. I know, I know. But what four year old boy doesn't say fart. So Kaden pushed that button and it sounded like, well a fart. It got everyone laughing so he kept doing it. Nate finally had to pull it away or one of us would have peed our pants. This thing does so much and would grow with Kaden. It has programs for really young ones (the reason for the fart button, I guess), then goes to young ones, teenagers, and then adults. I really want to get this one for him but we won't even be able to test it out until January. Of course it cost a little more then the lightwriter, but it would be so worth it. I can't wait until he can try it out. I will find out what it is called and let you all know so you can go on the website and know exactly what I am talking about. It really is amazing what technology can bring to someone's life.

I think I will stop here for now, as I am sure this post is really confusing...I don't think I will even proof read it (again...lazy).

Oh, one more thing. Kaden was so excited to see these new devices he didn't care that gray was leaving. He kept signing "thank you" to the two ladies who brought the equipment in. Now that gray is gone however, he doesn't want this new device, he wants his gray back. Poor guy, but I think he will get use to it.

What a day...

2008-11-20T22:42:00.003-06:00

So, today started off like any normal day would. However, it soon changed. I had one of my younger client's this afternoon. We decided that we were going to paint, so I got out the supplies and began to squeeze paint from tubes/bottles into a "paint tray." Things didn't turn out so well. I started squeezing red paint, yes RED paint onto the tray, oh I want to add this is not WASHABLE paint. Next thing I know the stupid things top popped off (a top that is NOT suppose to pop off) and I had red paint ALL OVER ME. I was wearing my favorite maternity sweater and one of the few pairs of jeans that fit me that I actually like. Oh and my shoes, my poor shoes. Lets just put it this way...my new favorite outfit quickly turned into my red spotted outfit. I did have a shirt on under my sweater, so I took my sweater off and tried to wash it out in the bathroom sink. It didn't work too well so I sent it to my mom's so I could continue working in hopes that she can work some magic. I was SO frustrated that I was trying hard not to cry (something that comes pretty natural when I am frustrated).

Once I got home it got better...of course, Kaden lives here. Nate and I decided to play hide and seek with Kaden. I believe this is his first true game of it. He had a ball and kept signing "more." I had to finally explain to him that it was bedtime and that we could play more tomorrow. He was so funny, he definitely couldn't stay quiet in his hiding spot. At one point Nate hid him in his "babies" (aka stuffed animals) toy box (yes he has three toy boxes). I saw him swinging his arms and looked in another one of his toy boxes saying aloud "Kaden are you in the toy box?" He signed "baby", like "no mom, I am in the baby box." It was pretty cute, but probably something you had to be here for.

So tomorrow we will be saying bye-bye to "gray." This is Kaden's lightwriter, yes HE has a name and gender : ). To let everyone know, because we have gotten some questions about it, we have decided to look at more options to be sure there isn't anything that would better benefit Kaden before we decided to purchase something. He is going to be sad though. I tried explaining to him that a "girl" is coming to our house to get "gray" but that she will leave him something else to see if he likes that instead. I told him that we will end up buying him what works. He started shaking his head "no" and signing "girl" over and over. I felt horrible. I again explained it to him tonight and he had a look of concern on his face. I am worried about tomorrow, but hope that we see something that may work even better that he will be happy to use.

My Handsome Guy...

2008-11-19T12:56:00.003-06:00

Here is Kaden's school picture. I am really happy with how it turned out. He is such a handsome little man, if I do say so myself. Mommy, Daddy and angel Ava love you big guy. Keep up all the hard work. You are becoming such a big boy!!!

New class, new friends...

2008-11-17T20:48:00.002-06:00

Kaden started his first offical day of pre-k classes. He did well, although he DID NOT want to get up this morning. It made me laugh, I was trying to wake him up and he just kept shaking his "no" with his eyes still closed. What a grown up little man I have, just like most boys who do not want to wake up to go to school. Once we got there he was a little quiet for Kaden but I heard he got into the groove of things pretty fast. Many of his new friends had drawn him pictures on their free time. One little girl even went to the lengths of drawing a picture and folding it, putting it in an envelope and sticking it in his bookbag for him to find when he got home. Ooooh, Kaden's got a girlfriend (already)!!! I guess it is alright, since this year he hasn't really had a focus on one girl, not like last year!!! He fit right in and I think everyone (teachers that is)seem more comfortable with things. I am so proud of him. It is amazing to think that he just keeps getting older and older, kind of sad too. I did make it out of there this morning without crying, however, I was holding back the tears hardcore. He was very happy to see Nate and I when we picked him up and very eager to show us how he marched in class today...to cute, really!!!! My baby is growing up and won't slow down.

Babies and Boo-boos

2008-11-15T22:31:00.004-06:00

My cousin, her husband and their twin baby girls came down to visit. I was excited to see how Kaden would react to two babies. He seemed a little in awe at first, but for the rest of the day didn't seem to think twice about it. However, lately he has become mommy's little helper and today was no exception. I was trying to help my cousin out and change one of the girls' diaper as the other one was fussing because she was hungry. Kaden came to the rescue : ). He gave mommy a diaper and the wipes and then signed "mommy, help?" Of course I let him, I have to get him prepared for Brody, ok, I am totally kidding, but I did let him help. He opened the diaper for me as I lifted her legs and I told him to put it under her. He did, it just ended up upside down, so I fixed it a little. He wanted to use the baby wipe on her, so I let him. He then fastened her diaper, again with mommy's help and then helped me dress her. It was very cute and heartwarming to watch him be such a great big helper. He did such a great job. I again swelled up with pride. What's not to be proud of??? I have a the best little guy in my life.

Well, here comes the boo-boo part. Today I bought Kaden a potty seat that goes on top of the regular toilet (his bottom is getting a little too big for his own potty, and that is not saying much, because this little guy does not have a butt). I put him on the toilet (which he has done many times at grandpa and grandma's house) and told him to sit there while I had to run into the kitchen real quick. Before I know it I hear a "boom" and I ask Kaden what he is doing as I am walking back to the bathroom. I then hear him cry. I walked in and he is on the floor crying his eyes out, his pants stuck inbetween the toilet seat and the toilet itself. I sit on the floor with him trying to comfort him (remember, I can't pick him up although I really wanted to). I noticed a big red mark from his hairline to his eyebrow. I asked him where he hurts and he pointed to that area (duh mom). I asked him what happened but he either couldn't tell me or didn't feel up to it. Poor guy...I thought I ruined the big potty...but he did ask to use the potty tonight although we put him on his little potty chair. I guess I will have to get a chair to put in the bathroom and sit in there with him from now on. I felt absolutely HORRIBLE.

Sono pictures

2008-11-14T17:40:00.004-06:00

Here are pictures of Mr. Brody. In the second picture, if you look closely you can see his smile (or cry). Can babies cry at this point??? Just curious if any of you know.

Busy Day...

2008-11-13T23:20:00.002-06:00

Today I had my appt. It went very well. Everything still looks great with Brody!!! He did however, change positions from being head down to being sideways. I did get some pretty good 3-D pictures, but will post them tomorrow. There is one where we thought he looked like he was smiling. The picture didn't turn out as well with that one, but if you look closely you will see it. Like I thought, he is going to be a big boy. Right now he is measuring about 2 1/2 weeks bigger then a baby at his gestation (does that make sense???). It was really good to be reassured that everything still looks great!!!

When we got back, we went to pick Kaden up from school. There was a meeting today about Kaden going into pre-k (I know, I know, but there have been some difficulties and he hasn't started yet). So he is now going to start this Monday. I am nervous for him. I don't know how to explain my feelings about this whole situation, as it has been very draining emotionally. I know that sounds dramatic, but it just goes back to wanting everyone to realize that Kaden is a typical 4 year old boy. I am glad that his early childhood teacher was able to advocate for him as well. We will miss her and the paras so much. When starting this whole school thing, I was really nervous for Kaden, not because he was going to be in school, but for how he would feel about it. The teacher and paras made me feel like Kaden was welcomed, just like any other child in that school. I actually felt like he was (and is) really loved in that class. This transition has made me feel differently then when he started the early childhood program. It really makes me nervous because this program is in the same school as the early childhood program. How will getting him in to Kindergarten next be??? I know that it is a new experience for those involved, but geez. I don't want to get too into it because I could go on and on forever. I just hope that once Kaden starts everyone will realize that it is not as big of deal as it has been made out to be. I try to understand their concerns, but at times I just want to scream "IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL!!!" Part of the concern is safety (which I understand), but that is why the nurse goes to school with him. I can't wait for Kaden to show them all that he can do. I am so proud of Kaden and all that he has become (and I know that I am not the only one). Thinking about how far he has come brings tears to my eyes. He is amazing, nothing can bring him down. I hope that he carries that with him throughout his life. Nate and I are so lucky to have this little guy in our lives...he is such an inspiration. I know that he will continue to touch lives with all the steps he takes as he grows.

Kaden,
First of all, mommy and daddy love you so much. We are so lucky to have been blessed with such a caring, motivated, happy, beautiful child such as yourself. I hope you feel how proud we are of you and that you feel the same about yourself. You are ABSOLUTELY amazing. You touch the lives of everyone who gets to know you. I hope you never feel frustrated or intimidated by those who can not seem to open their minds to new things, as you (just like anyone else) will probably run into these people along your path. When you come across these people, continue to shine...it might get them to open their eyes a little more and hopefully their minds and hearts as well.

You have this amazing ability to put a smile on my face, even on my bad days. The love I feel for you goes beyond words. My heart is flooded with so many great emotions for you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for bringing me a love that I have never experienced in my life. Thank you for all the lessons you have taught to daddy and me. Thank you for your wonderful hugs and kisses. And thank you for bringing joy to my life. I love you big boy, and will for the rest of eternity.

Love always and forever,
Amy

Sorry Kaden...

2008-11-12T21:20:00.002-06:00

Mommy is done picking up Kaden until after Brody is born. I feel horrible about it, but it was confirmed yesterday by my doctor that I do have an umbilical hernia. GO FIGURE!!! I really think it was from picking up my big boy. One day I was picking him up to put him in his booster seat and I got a horrible pain near my belly button. I think I even told who was ever with me at the time, that I think I just gave myself a hernia, joking around. Well, for a couple of days I had really sharp random pains near it. I ended up calling my doctor's nurse who believed it was just pains from pregnancy. Well, a few days later I noticed a semi-large lump next to my belly button. Nate seemed about as grossed out as if I were showing him guts coming out of my nose or something. I started wondering what it could be and decided that it was probably a hernia. It is painful, not a sharp pain, but an annoying pain that won't go away. When the doctor was checking it out, I thought I was going to pass out...it hurt so bad, but he did say that it was a hernia. There is nothing we really can do for it now as long as it doesn't pose any danger, since I am pregnant. I just pray that it doesn't do anything that will end up with me needing surgery right now. That is the last thing I need.

So, that leads me to my story today. I don't know what was going on with Kaden, but he was not my happy, go lucky Kaden today. I came home from work to bring him to school. He did not want to go to school, and had a major melt-down (for Kaden).
After making our way outside to the car, he started crying and went limp, then sat on the ground (I think it is because he wanted mommy to pick him up and carry him to the car and I wouldn't). I finally picked him up (yeah, I know, I already heard it from Nate) to put him in his booster seat. He was quiet and looked so sad all the way to school, it broke my heart. Well, we get to school, I get him out of the car and he does it again. He kept shaking his head "no" and signing "school" although he couldn't tell me why. We get into the classroom and he doesn't want to sit at the table, but instead turns into me puts his head on my shoulder and crys. As I talked to him, he kept signing that he wanted to go home with me, or that he wanted me to stay with him at school. It was so hard for me when I left...I had to fight back the tears. I have no idea what brought this on, as this is not my Kaden at all. His nurse and I were talking about it and were wondering if he feels heartbroken that I won't carry him around (as he gets into those moods). I have explained to him that mommy has an owie on her belly and I can not pick him up anymore. However, I do not think that helped at all, especially after going through what we did today. I try to make him think positive by explaining to him that he gets to be a big boy, well, today during his meltdown I asked him "Kaden, don't you want to be a big boy." He shook his head "no." Poor guy. I guess I'll have some making up to do after Brody is born.

Tomorrow I go to the specialist one last time just to make sure that everything is still going well. I am excited that I get to see Brody again. I am very curious as to how big he is right now. I think he is going to be a big baby boy like his brother was. I will let you know tomorrow. If I get more sono pictures I will be posting them!!!

That Darn Old Flu Shot...

2008-11-10T21:19:00.003-06:00

Today we took Kaden to get his flu shot. I have heard lots of stories that you should tell you children why they are going to see the doctor. I don't know yet how much I agree with it, as it seems to put the fear in them. BUT...today we let him know that he was going to get one shot and that it will probably hurt but only for a little bit. He kind of gave us that look like "um, ok I guess, what else do you want me to say." When we got to the hospital Nate dropped us off at the door and went to park the car. The nurse and I were holding Kaden's hands. For a moment we almost had to drag him into the hospital and he was protesting the whole way, telling everyone off that he spotted. He stopped and then signed "grumpy." I asked him if he was grumpy because he was going to get a shot and he signed "yes." I almost wanted to take him back to the car and go home. I explained to him that the shot is to help him from getting really sick and that we all had to get one. So anyway, we get to the office, which was packed by the way, and there was a little girl in there whose mother must have "warned" her as well because she was having a fit. I even heard her tell her mom that she didn't love her anymore (Kaden did say that he still loves me!!!). Well, Kaden pointed to her and signed "grumpy." Yep bubby she is grumpy too. He did fine until we had to go into the room. He even did pretty good getting the shot. I could tell that he was trying so hard not to cry, but he jerked back and bumped his head. So I think that in combination with the shot, brought on the waterworks (don't forget the band-aid, he hates those things).

Tonight, before Kaden was going to bed we were reading "Love You Forever." There is a part in the story that says the mother was "very old, and sick." He then pointed to himself and his leg where he got the shot. (remember, earlier in the day I explained to him that the shot is to keep him from getting really sick.) I asked him if he was sick and he signed "yes." There I go, confusing my little guy. I had to tell him that he is not sick, that he got the shot so he wouldn't get sick (knock on wood). It is funny how things get turned around. Well, then before putting on his pjs I asked him if I could take his band-aid off. Wrong thing to ask. He shook his head "no" very hard and started crying, worst then when he got the shot. Man, I am a mean mommy. I didn't take it off and had to convience him that I was NOT going to take it off in order to put on his pjs. Even after the pjs were on he cried, until I reassured him that he gets to go to sleep now and that the band-aid was staying on.

5 Minutes For Mom...

2008-11-08T23:34:00.004-06:00

As many of you know, Kaden won a new bedroom set. It all started with 5 Minutes For Mom. Well, they are at it again...giving away gifts for the holidays. If you are interested in winning gifts for yourself or your children go to the link and check it out. They have also started a new program called "under the tree." Here, you can nominate a family you feel is in need of help this Christmas. It is such a wonderful way to spread the cheer during this season. Please check it out, especially if you know a family that might need help. I will be trying to add buttons that will take you straight to the posts later. At this time I can not figure it out. In the meantime, just click on the link above.

On another note I was very close to putting up the Christmas tree today. I normally put it up a little on the early side, but never this early. I was a little bored and asked Kaden if he wanted to put up the tree. He signed "yes" but I ended up deciding to wait a little longer.. I don't want others to think that I am crazy. I love this time of year and it keeps getting better as Kaden keeps getting older. His understanding of Santa and how great it is to open gifts is so much fun to watch.

However, this year will be more bitter/sweet. I love seeing the excitement in Kaden when he talks about Santa, but at the same time I realize that we will not have Ava here to share in that excitement. It is getting more and more difficult to accept that she is not here during these holidays. I didn't get to dress her up for her first Halloween. She will not be tasting her first Thanksgiving dinner with us (or making a mess with it), she won't be sitting with us around the tree her first Christmas morning...and she will not have the chance to dig into her cake on her first birthday. It is hard to realize how much we have missed already with her. With that being said...I am thankful that I got to hold her that first time (and every single time after that), give her her first kiss. Give her her first bath, change that first diaper. See her first smile, paint her toenails for the first time, hear her cry for the first time, see her suck on her fingers for the first time, making Kaden a big brother for the first time. I know that although she was here for a very short time (97 days), she made a big impact on my life by letting me experience all of those firsts' with her. It might be selfish, I just wish that we could have experienced a WHOLE LOT more with her.

Mommy, daddy, and bubby love you baby girl and miss you every day. Sweet dreams angel love.

Love you always and forever.

Mommy holding Ava for the first time...

Kaden's first Christmas at home...

Doesn't he look so little.

Halloween Pictures

2008-11-01T21:46:00.008-05:00

Mommy and daddy posing with our Mickey Mouse. (Halloween night)

Daddy walking with Kaden after getting more candy. (Halloween night)

Kaden enjoying a laffy taffy. (Boo in the Zoo)

Kaden at his Halloween party. (At school)

Kaden trying on cousin Miles' Hulk mask. (Boo in the Zoo)

Aunt Melanie and The Hulk (aka Miles). (Boo in the Zoo)

Daddy trying to convience Kaden that the clown they see is a good clown. Kaden wasn't too sure about him. The clown had to disapear to get Kaden to keep walking. He must not have been as cute as daddy when daddy was wearing a clown mask not too long ago!!! (Boo in the zoo)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

2008-10-31T22:33:00.002-05:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO EVERYONE!!! I hope everyone had a safe Halloween and got lots and lots of candy.

We took Kaden out trick or treating tonight. He was excited initially to get CANDY!!! He was too cute going up to the doors. He would sign "thank you" to everyone and often signed "Happy Halloween." He made a very cute Mickey Mouse. Halfway through he was ready to go home. He seemed really tired, but once we got home he had to go through each and every piece of candy he got tonight. Unfortunately it is his turn to be out of sorts. He is starting to come down with something, but hopefully it is nothing too serious...probably just a cold. He has a runny nose, cough and so much secretions. I feel horrible for him. Last night we were up about four times, each one lasting about 30 minutes to an hour. He was wreching and need constant suctioning. Poor guy. I hope that it doesn't last too long. Good news is, is that he doesn't have a fever right now and he is still pretty happy and seems to be tolerating whatever it is.

Today Ava would be 9 months old. It is almost unreal to me. I wonder what she would be doing now??? Crawling, babbling, eating baby food??? I think about how her and Kaden would get along, if Kaden would be the big brother that she looked up to, if she would be the little sister that wouldn't leave Kaden alone. We miss her so much. We have too really BIG pictures of Ava that are in the hallway right now. Every time we leave, Kaden will walk up to the pictures and say "bye" to them, and before bed he wants to give them kisses. Man, I love my kids. So anyway, tonight as I was pushing an empty stroller (because Kaden wanted to walk for awhile) it made me think of how my pretty girl, Ava, would be sitting in it, in probably the most girly costume I could find.

From there my mind changed gears to how next year Brody Jace will be sitting in the stroller. That's right, I think we have a middle name. After seeing it typed out though, I am not sure if I like the spelling. We will see. So anyway, this little guy is definitely a mover. Tonight while we were putting Kaden to bed, Brody started kicking (or punching) away. I told Nate to look, because we can know see him moving. Then I grabbed Kaden's hand and put it on my belly. Brody really kicked him and Kaden was really quick to pull his hand off of mommy's belly, almost like "what the heck was that." I was laughing so hard. He didn't want to touch my belly again.

Well, I am going to hang out with Nate. He has pretty much been gone the last two weeks for training. I will try to post pictures tomorrow of our cute little Mickey Mouse. I think there is actually a picture of my belly in at least one of them...so girls (you know who you are) I am expecting to see some of you too after I post these!!!

We miss you baby girl and think about you constantly. We love, love, love you!!!

Hubby Tag...

2008-10-29T23:08:00.004-05:00

I saw this tag on Sam and Bill's Bunch and thought it was very cute and definitely different. So now it's my turn...

This is my HANDSOME husband

1. Full Name: I rather not put his full name, but his real name is Nathan (which his family goes by) I call him Nate as well as a lot of his friends.
2. How long have we been married: Just over two years...just celebrated our second anniversary.
3. How long did we date: 4 years
4. Who eats the sweets: depends on what they are...Nate loves ice cream as well as oatmeal cream pies.
5. Who said I love you first: that would be Nate. I actually didn't say it back right away (I felt it, but wanted to make sure, that is kind of mean when I think about it).
6. Who's Taller: Nate...we are both tall but he is about 5 inches taller then me. He is 6'3", I am 5'10"
7.Who sings better: That's funny...I would say I sing better but that is not saying much. I can't sing, so just imagine how great he can!!!
8. Who is smarter: depends on what you are asking.
9. Who does the laundry: pretty much...ME, but I won't do his hunting clothes.
10. Who pays the bills: Nate
11. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed: NOBODY...since Kaden is in our bed, we all sleep sideways. We have a king size and Kaden sleeps by the headboard so we can make sure that his tubing doesn't get under us, I sleep in the middle, and Nate sleeps by the footboard. I know, it is a site to see!!!
12. Who mows the lawn: Nate, I hate the smell of cut grass and gasoline.
13. Who cooks dinner: most of the time I do, unless I work really late then Nate does.
14. Who drives: Both of us...Nate can easily fall asleep behind the wheel when he is tired...I don't understand it.
15. Who admits they are wrong: are you crazy...neither one of us...we are both hard headed
16. Who asked who out first: We just hung out as a big group for awhile, but Nate did end up asking me "what I want(ed)" and that he wanted to be with me...How cute!!!
17. Who wears the pants: I guess we both do, although I tend to get a little upset when I don't get my way (according to Nate)
18. What does he do that surprises you? when he helps out around the house without me "nagging" him to do so.
19. What is your favorite feature on him? EVERYTHING (I know, sounds corney...but have you seen him??? I think he is pretty hot, myself!!!)
20. What is your favorite quality he has? he is an awesome daddy, and I know that I can trust him
21. Does he have a nickname for you? not really, he just always calls me babe or baby (which I heard once that those nicknames are for lazy people...???, I think it is still nice to hear)
22.What is his favorite food? that's easy...chicken enchiladas or chicken with mashed potatoes and "white" gravy
23.What is his favorite sport? Nate loves sports...basketball, football, baseball, golf, hunting...you name it
24.What is your favorite thing to do as a couple? hang out either as a family or just the two of us. We like to rent movies and watch them after Kaden goes to bed (I know, hold on to your hats, we are very adventerous).
25. Does he have any hidden talents? he claims he can draw...the six years we've been together I haven't seen anything yet...one day!!!
26. What do you admire most about him? That is easy...I am amazed at his strength and support and love for our family. With everything we have been through, I know that we can do anything together...we have a bond that nobody can take away from us (as a couple and as a family).
27. What is his favorite color? blue
28. How did he propose? This might be a long story...He was in the police academy and came back for the weekend. It was a Friday night and when I got home from work he was already there sitting on the couch. Our plan was to go out to celebrate my birthday since he would be gone during the week. He told me to go upstairs and get ready so we can leave. I went upstairs and noticed our bedroom door was closed (it was never closed). I opened it to get my things together and there were candles EVERYWHERE and rose petals on the bed in the shape of a heart with a single rose on top. There was also a new down comforter on the bed...so honestly I thought that was my birthday present and he just set up a beautiful presentation. He came upstairs and tried his hardest to get me to pick up the rose. I told him that I wanted to leave it so I could take pictures when we got back. He then told me that we should put the rose in water...I said it already has a water thing on the stem. He tried again by telling me to smell the rose...what do I do...lay on the bed and leaned over to smell it. I finally picked it up and saw a ring dangling from the rose on a string. I looked at him and asked him what it was. He got down on his knee and asked me to marry him. I don't know if I ever said yes...I do remember saying "are you forreal" twenty thousand times. (and he actually asked for my dad's permission) The rest is history!!!

I love you babe...we are lucky to have you in our lives!!!

I tag anyone who wants to do this. It actually is a bit fun to spill the beans on the hubby!!!

Drum Roll Please...

2008-10-29T21:25:00.003-05:00

and the winner of the wonderful new bedroom set is...

Thank you guys so much for your votes and for spreading the word for others to vote for Kaden. We are so overwhelmed at how many votes Kaden received, but feel very blessed to have each and every one of them. We have so many great people in our lives who offer us so much support (I am not just talking about all of the votes either). I just hope that we can do the same for others, make other's feel as lucky as our family feels, as loved, as thought of. The outpour of love for Kaden and Angel Ava touches my heart to no end. I KNOW how special these babies are, how much they impact ME, but it is heartwarming to know that they do the same for so many others. Thank you guys again for EVERYTHING!!!

By the way...keep an eye out for pictures of Kaden in his new bed!!!

What to do???

2008-10-28T10:04:00.002-05:00

So this morning, I dropped Kaden off for his "trial run" in the pre-k class. He seemed very excited. Since he has already met the class, they knew his name and face so it wasn't too big of a deal. He took a seat and seem to have no fears. He gave me a kiss and even got too distracted to wave bye to me...so I had to sneek in one more kiss.

As I was leaving, I stopped to talk to his early childhood teacher about what time I should pick him up. I, of course, started crying. I don't know why, exactly. I know a lot has to do with emotions and I would say part of it has to do with hormones : ).

So anyway, then I go to work to find out my client cancelled for this morning so I come home. Now I am lost. I don't know what to do. I decided to go get a building permit for this house we are suppose to be building...when???, I don't know, but hopefully soon. Nate keeps saying that he wants it started this week, but I don't see that happening. Anyway, then maybe I'll go to Wal-Mart to get the rest of the halloween stuff for Kaden's school party. Hopefully that will keep me busy until noonish. (sigh) I always thought it would be nice to have time to myself, but now that I have it, I am not sure I want it...yet.

The Greatest Love...

2008-10-27T22:48:00.003-05:00

I just have been thinking about how lucky I am to experience the greatest love that there is...being a mommy. I can not explain how much I love my babies. I am totally head over heals for them. I try not to think about the negative all of the time, but I can not get over the fact of how difficult it is as a mommy (or daddy) to sit back and watch your baby (or babies) go through something you have no control over. I miss Ava every day. I feel that she is watching over us and helping me keep Kaden as well as Brody safe. But yet, as a mommy I want to know that Kaden is happy, that he is treated fair when I am not around. I want others to love him as much as I love him. I want them to believe in him, as much as I believe in him. He is a true gift, not only to me, but to those who open their world to him. He is the most friendly, loving boy I know. I can not get enough of his kisses or big hugs. He tells us he loves us all of the time(by typing it on his lightwriter) and he continues to tell us that he loves Ava and now Brody. He types "kiss" and then kisses us, or "hug" and then hugs us. He can make me smile through anything.

Since everything has happened, I feel that I have become more "over-protected" of Kaden. I do not like leaving him to go to work, I don't even like taking him to school. I don't like the fact that I can not be there with him all of the time. I don't know if that is because of the kind of person I am, or if it's because of the person I have become. I wish I could put Kaden in a bubble and know that nothing will ever hurt him physically or emotionally. I know that is impossible. I know (deep, deep down) that it is "good" for Kaden to experience life. He deserves it, but he also deserves to be treated fairly, to be treated just like everyone else.

Tomorrow, Kaden is going to be sitting in the pre-K class to see how it goes. I am excited for him, but also scared for him. He didn't seem to excited about it tonight when we talked about it which makes me want to say "never mind, you don't have to go to pre-K, you can stay were you are comfortable." Then, I have to talk myself into letting him grow up and tell myself that he is a big boy, he can handle it. I think what worries me is that the teacher seems "intimidated" (for lack of a better word) to have him in her class. Our first experience of Kaden going to school was great...although I was sad that he was already going. The teacher and para's were amazing. They welcomed him with open arms, and, well, I guess I just expected that from everyone. However, that is not the case. I don't feel as comfortable letting him go. I know that with time (and probably very little time) this teacher will fall in love with him too.

I added "My Wish" by Rascall Flatts again to our song list because whenever I hear this song, I think about Kaden and now Brody. It is very fitting.

Kaden, angel Ava, and baby Brody,

I love you guys more then I will EVER be able to tell you. I hope you feel every ounce of it. I promise to always be there for you, no matter what the situation. I hope you feel that you can come to me with anything. I hope that you know that daddy and mommy feel blessed that you are in our lives and that you all are very much wanted. We love, love, love you guys, forever and always.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Love always and forever,
mommy

Must Be A Boy Thing...

2008-10-26T22:55:00.002-05:00

Yesterday Nate and I took Kaden to Boo in the Zoo. Kaden had so much fun. He dressed up in his costume (which is by the way, Mickey Mouse). It got a little too warm so we took off the hood/ears. He loved going around getting candy...he didn't care about the animals at all. He also loved seeing all of the other children in their costumes. He found Minnie Mouse and got really excited. We met my sister and the The Hulk (a.k.a my nephew, Miles) there as well. I have pictures to post but my battery is really low so I'll have to wait until tomorrow.

After the zoo, we went to visit Nate's family and celebrate our nephew Treytan's third birthday. Before going to the party, we went out to Nate's parent's farm so Kaden and Miles could ride on the 4-wheeler. They loved that. It was very cute to watch the excitement on their faces. When they came back from visiting the cows, I walked over to help Nate get the boys off of the 4-wheeler. As we were walking back to the car, I stepped on a rock and lost my footing and ended up falling to the ground. I am so sore now and have some pretty good bruising on my left side. I guess as Nate was asking me if I was alright, Kaden was laughing...I would do anything to make my little man laugh ; ), little turd. I have heard that being pregnant can make you more "clumsy" but...ouch. I never fell with Ava...however, with Kaden I fell down the stairs twice. Once I was holding a glass jar of Miracle Whip (I know but I was in the process of packing my lunch for work that morning). I ended up walking into our bedroom (where Nate was sleeping) crying with miracle whip and blood up my arm. I can only imagine what was going through Nate's mind waking up to that!!! So I have decided that baby boys make mommies clumsy : ).

Need A Calendar???

2008-10-22T23:10:00.005-05:00

My pretty girl. We miss you baby girl. You are forever in our hearts. Loving you forever. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Visit www.cafepress.com/chdfamilies to buy your 2009 calendar. The money raised from the sales go to CHD awareness and research. Ava is in the calendar...the month of October, an even better reason to get one!!!

When you go to this site, click on CHD Families calendar, then choose the 2009 Wall Calendar. Make sure you chose this one if you want the calendar with Ava's picture in it. This calendar has the three children on the front of it. Our friend Tyler (who was also born with a HLHS) is also in this calendar. Just remember that the money raised goes to a good cause. I personally will probably keep mine on the month of Oct...hey it's a good month, it is the month of our anniversary and has the prettiest little girl on the page (my angel Ava).

Overdue....

2008-10-21T22:41:00.007-05:00

Ok, I am overdue for a post. I have so much to post about, but by the time I get home and put Kaden to bed, my mind is too tired to think.

First, I want to thank everyone who has voted for Kaden and for those who are spreading the word to vote. Because of all of you Kaden is currently in first place. We still have 8 more days for votes, so if you haven't voted, please do so!!! If you go to my Oct. 15th post it will tell you how you can cast your vote.

Next...
We have had a lot going on the past few days. First of all, Kaden went on a field trip with his early childhood dev. class to the pumpkin patch. He seemed to enjoy it alright. Then we had the Ava Memorial Golf Tournament on Saturday. There was a really good turnout. The weather was a bit on the chilly side...especially for the morning golfers. Thanks for braving it out guys. It was amazing to see all of the support from everybody. Thank you to every single one of you for everything. A special thanks to Matt, Ross, Brian and Sarah (and families) for all your kindness, support and hard work. It has really touched our hearts and we feel blessed to have you guys in our lives. Nate and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

After the tournament we went to the Cow Creek Opry with Nate's family. Kaden really enjoyed it and danced his little butt off. And last, but certainly not least... Kaden will soon be going into the pre-k class. I am so excited for him, but a little nervous at the same time. I know how much he loves his teacher, paras and friends in the early childhood class. This has been his second year in that class, so I know that he is really comfortable there. I worry about how different this pre-k class will be for him. Instead of three hour days, he will be going for 6 hours. There is "nap time" which Kaden will not be interested in at all. This kid does not nap...not even in the car. It has to be completely dark for him to fall asleep. I think he is afraid that he will miss something. So I guess I am going to have to talk to the teacher about the nap thing. This class is mostly typically developing children, so having Kaden in it will be a new experience for that teacher as well. I hope things turn out great. I really think Kaden needs to be challenged more to keep him interested. He is unbelievably bright (I am not just saying that because I am his mom, I hear it all of the time...and yes, I am bragging a little). What other 4 year old do you know that can spell approx. 300 words, that is a guess it could be a little more, maybe even a little less? He is now figuring out how to make little sentences. Today on his "lightwriter" he typed out "all done potty" when he was sitting on the potty. The other day he typed "mommy and daddy wagon" and I said "yes, mommy and daddy pulled you in a wagon" he then typed "CMH, blue" I was shocked. Nate and I use to pull Kaden in the blue wagons at CMH when Ava was there. He loves them. It is so awesome to be able to know as a mommy (and daddy) what is going on in our little man's mind and for him to be able to tell us. He can type out titles of books he wants without use guessing because he doesn't know the specific sign for the words in the title. It is just perfect for Kaden and his needs, I can't even explain how important it has become in our lives. It actually has a name in our house...it's name is Gray. It is the color gray and that is how Kaden started asking for it, by signing gray. So, that is how we refer to it. I will have to video tape how Kaden uses it.

We are actually "borrowing" the lightwriter right now. It is due back the beginning of November. I worry because Kaden is really dependent on it to communicate with others. I think he is going to be lost without it. I am working on funding right now to get him one, saying that they are crazy expensive. I hope that it doesn't take to long, for Kaden's sake. I have already asked to extend the time frame but they told me that the program is for us to decide if we want to buy the item, that they can not really extend it much but stated they would give us two more weeks with it.

Well now I am just rambling. I tell ya, you start on one thing and then the brain keeps on going. Sorry. Well, I will leave you with some (ok, a ton) of pictures and a video of my dancing man.

Here is the video of Kaden dancing. As you can see he really enjoys it and has a few different moves. Sorry the video is so shakey...Kaden and I were really close to each other as I was taping and he kept grabbing on to me. I hope you enjoy watching him as much as us.